Help Ugandan Gays, Harry Potter Pick-Up Lines and A Very Intriguing Picture...

Citizens of earth. I come to you with a proposal. You know about the crap in Uganda where they're trying to pass an anti-homosexual bill that'll result in long imprisonment or possibly death for gay Ugandans? Well here's a petition I urge you to sign condemming it and asking the Ugandan government to re-think it. There's only a few hours left, so please don't put signing it off til later!

Right, the important thing covered, check out this picture Emma posted on facebook. Looks very risqué for a cartoon, does it not? I you have any theories of what the artist intended to be happening, comment away! (The comments do not require registration, and can be anonymous)

If your life is missing good pick-up lines, then this site (http://fuck-yeahpickuplines.tumblr.com/) has many amusing ones. My favourites are the Harry Potter ones, such as 'If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together', and 'I must have had some Felix Felicis because I think I'm about to get lucky'. Crude yeah, but sometimes you need that in the run-up to exams.

Stupid Things Charlotte's Said No. 213

(The scene: Lunchtime, and Ab, Katie, Abi and Hayley are all playing rock, paper, scissors with the lizard Spock expansion.)

Charlotte: What are you playing? Rock paper scissors?
Katie: Yeah, but a better version of it! See, in normal rock, paper, scissors, you'll get the same answer as your friend 70-80% of the time, but with the lizard Spock expansion, you have less chance of that happening.
Charlotte: (Confused) But surely that's not proper rock, paper, scissors though?
(Laughter)


Readers! I'm sorry it's been so long since last posting, but I'm hoping to break the 7000 hits mark today. These ASs exams (which I pronounce ass exams in my head because I am just that mature) are filling up my time and head-space. It sucks, but if they lead to better things in life as promised, I will not resent them. Good luck to all who have exams in the next month! Also, the lack of posting has been due to people not saying their usual amount of amusing things - I'm putting this down to exam stress or the fact that everyone suddenly got smarter by revising. Anyway, I aim to have a post detailing some of my unexpected campaigning stories for Yes to AV (it wasn't even much campaigning, yet got surprisingly eventful) up in the next few days, so check back then. Peace, and thanks for bearing with my lack of posting!

Eric Leva and The Scheme of Things

Every so often I like to bring you some fresh new music from up-coming independent artists. These bands/individuals create lots of great sounding music, but their stuff hasn't yet hit the wider world yet, so I want to share the good sounds with you that you might otherwise miss out on, and help them get the amount of fans they deserve.

Today I bring you Eric Leva and his EP 'The Scheme of Things', which is well worth a listen, regardless of your usual musical taste (for the record it's a good mix of indie-folk-pop). I have listened to the whole thing through 3 times today, and that is rare for me since I'm normally the 'only like one song in an album' type of person. It's a good mix of indie-folk-pop. A few reasons why this EP is awesome:

• The tracks on it are great music.
• The songs are catchy, but enjoyable catchy, not annoying catchy. 
• Eric has a really pleasant voice that works really well with his lyrics.
• There's a broad mixture of tempos and instruments used, which keeps it interesting to listen to.
• The last song surprised me in a way I liked.

Eric himself is more than a talented musician and composer. He's a lovely guy to communicate with, and as a fan, I really appreciate that because it seems like he values my thoughts on his work. Plus he lives in Massachusetts which rocks as they have marriage equality and Rachel Maddow there. So anyway, give his songs a whirl (you can listen through the player below) and check out his website www.ericlevamusic.com. Hopefully he'll go far, and continue to remain as down to earth as he appears now.

In other news, it is my 17th in two days (I still can't believe it), and me and my friend Abi are going to a drug use conference and debate tomorrow in London, followed by a drinks reception in which we are going to see how many academic types emails we can collect, so if I come away with some interesting new perspectives on drugs, I'll post them for you all to consider. Peace.

Age Concern: Being Younger on Mars

It's my 17th birthday on March the 31st. Any of my people wanting to get me a cheap awesome birthday present can get me a membership to Amnesty International (a human rights organisation) here, which comes with a free t-shirt too. You will receive much gratitude and a high five.

No way do I feel 17. In books and films, 17 is the age when people get into 'serious' relationships, grow up for real, drive cars and enter the future. I know exactly who I am, what I want and what I believe in, but I'd like to pause life cos I'm just not ready for the consequences yet, know what I mean? Shame is, no-one can pause it so I spose I'll just have to get on with it. Ah well.

Anyone else feel like their exact age? Most people I've spoken to either feel older or younger, but never quite dead on. This makes me think that our year system is flawed as it doesn't seem to be dead on. Also I was thinking; if humans one day lived on Mars (I doubt it will happen as we'll probably convert Mars into a nuclear weapons testing ground and complete destroy it, but you never know) will those humans all be numerically younger than us, even if they were born at the same time, due to Mars having a longer one around the Sun trip (a year then)? That's an interesting one. I'm thinking yes. Therefore, if you want to be younger, stuff anti-aging cream, head off to Mars.

On Packages

(The scene: Two guys a few years below Ab are discussing bodies on the next table in the library.)

Guy 1: F*** me, I mean, what is the point of pubes?
Guy 2: I know right. You can set fire to them though, and they jump about.
Guy 1: Really?
Guy 2: Mmm, but don't light up while they're still attached to your balls or dick.
Guy 1: That's another thing, yeah. Are balls included as part of our (does air quotes) 'genetalia'?
(Brief pause)
Ab: (Leans across to them) Yeah, it's kind of a package deal.
(They don't get it)


Speaking of packages (but of a different kind, eh), another reason you should get a penpal is that the best ones send you thoughtful birthday presents that they've purchased and dealt with behind their parents' backs, and then send it to you via expensive airmail, all without abducting you because they know your address. Awesome, isn't it? The most annoying part of this arrangement is that I'm banned from openning it before my 17th birthday (31st  March, gifts much appreciated) and that is many days away. I'd post a picture of my package (hehe), but it's been taken away by my Mother as she does not trust me not to be tempted and open it. It has to be said, she is right not to. Peace.

This Is Why You Should Get a Penpal

Y'all know of my homegirl Lauren, right? Awesome penpal and blogger extraordinaire? Anyway, since this halfterm has lacked people saying dumb funny things (although it has been a good holiday), I thought I'd share with you a few of her funny moments.

(The scene: Cyberspace and Lauren is typing up ideas for an upcoming joint birthday bash for Kate (who's blog is well worth a visit, like Lauren's), 30th March, and Ab, 31st March.)

Lauren: England is 5 hours ahead of us, so we could have this massive blowjob with a webcam and everything at 7 at night on your birthday. I'm pretty sure that would work if Ab could stay up long enough.
Lauren: (re-reading after sending): Oh, damn!!! I meant blowout!!! Blowout, blowout, blowout!!!!!!!
Kate: Oh my gosh!!!! I just about pissed myself from laughing! Literally on the floor laughing. That made my night! Plus, my phone only sends me samples of messages when it tells me I have one and I got "we could have this massive blowjob". That was amazing!!!
Lauren: That's probably the most mortifying thing I have ever said and will ever say to anyone.


(The scene: Cyberspace another night, 5am GMT. Lauren is struggling to remember the password to her email account.)

Lauren: I know it was important to me and I know it had something to do with you but I can't remember the rest.
Ab: Phone then? (It was previously discussed that if Lauren forgot the password then they'd talk on the phone and have it remembered)
Lauren: Not my home one.
Ab: You can call me. Number will email you.
Lauren: Great. Let me just get into the email I can't remember the password to. *Sarcasm*
Ab: Oh yeah... I just sent it as well. For a smart person, sometimes not so much.


(The scene: Ab and Lauren are discussing how they are going to ruin their first times, assuming they get the chance to ruin them.)

Lauren: I'd say something awkward and kill the mood. It'd probably be something the other person could never recover from either like, "You smell like my mom" and then there would be intense therapy sessions for all involved.


(Also Lauren has Magic Boobs that act as black holes for possessions or produce stuff. Freaky stuff. The following show this skill.)
Lauren: Somehow my phone has disappeared.
(Pause)
Lauren: Never mind, I found it lodged between my bosoms. I don't know how it got there and I don't feel like questioning.

Lauren: I just took off my shirt and found a dollar in my cleavage. I have no clue how it got there. I had on a crew neck guy's T-shirt and a zip-up hoodie. There's no way I could have missed someone's hand going down my shirt and tucking a dollar bill in there.

That was a long post for you lovely readers as a sorry for not posting for a while. I'd like to take this oppotunity to thank the people who recently joined the facebook page for this blog too (www.facebook.com/fivepasttomorrow) as it's great that you enjoy reading. Peace!

It Pays to Eavesdrop

(The scene: Sunday evening, and Ab is reading but really eavesdropping on brother's phone call with Charlotte.)

(Talking from the phone)
Brother: (Incredulous) What?! You've been asleep since Friday?
(More talking from phone)
Brother: No, that's not called a lie-in, that's called a coma.

A Good Choice of Words

(The scene: Philosophy class, as ever)

Kellinator: What's the word, beginning with A that can sometimes cause big problems for the Atheist's trying to understand it?
(Tumbleweed and puzzled faces)
Abi: Abstinence?
Kellinator: Well I was going for altruism, but I suppose that one might too!


(The scene: Still philosophy, but another day. A slide is up on the screen saying 'intelligent design', 'teleological' and 'creation' among other things)

Kells: Ok, what word up there on the screen do you think is actually banned from school classrooms in several states of America?
(Class reads and ponders)
Elliot: Intelligent.
(Class cackles with racist laughter)


(The scene: 'The One Show' is on TV, and they are doing an investigation on the English dish, faggots and peas. Ab is reading, but lines from the TV keep floating over to her)

Presenter: Jay just can't get enough of those faggots!
(Ab sniggers)
Jay: So is it safe to say that faggots have made you the man you are today?
Man: Oh yes.
(More sniggering)

By the way, in case there was any doubt in your mind, it's not cool to use the word faggot unless it has been pre-approved by your boyfriend.

Snipets

(The scene: Latin class and Ab is falling asleep because of late night/early morning essay writing.)

Hot Rod: (Teaching) Now can anyone think of a word in english that begins with fug? (Slience) Ab?
Ab: (Jerks out of latin-free reverie) Urmm... (awkward pause in which Ab racks brain). I'm sorry, all I can think of is fugly.
(Class laughs as does Hot Rod)
Ab: (Thinks) Damn shouldn't've watched Mean Girls yesterday.


(The scene: Chemistry class, and the new unit on organic chemistry is being introduced)

Teacher: ...In fact, this course didn't used to be called organic chemistry, it used to be called 'Rings and Chains'.
Ab: Huh, sounds like marriage.
(Pause)
(Class gets it and laughs)


(The scene: Still chemistry, the Teacher is explaining how knowledge about chemistry works)

Teacher: It'll come eventually, but it really needs to be solid first.
Ab: (Chokes on pen lid)

*For all those who do AS chemistry, in your text book there's actually a molecule called 'butanal'. Maybe not funny now, so save it until a soul-destroying lesson and it really will be.


(The scene: Philosophy class and they are discussing whether intent matters in suicide, i.e, do accidents count?)

Someone: So what's it called then if I accidentally chop my own arm off?
Ab: A whoopsie!

Anne Summers is Long

(The scene: Sixth form common room at break time. The gang are discussing which shop Hayley's new trousers came from because she will not divulge.)

Hayley: Ok, fine. It's somewhere beginning with S...
(Various S shop names are guessed)
Megan: Sainsbury's?
Hayley: No. Keep guessing!
Louise: Anne Summers? (A lingerie and sex shop)
Ab: (Looking at the length of Hayley's trousers) Nah, they don't sell anything that long there.
(A pause in which the sex shop part is remembered)
Ab & Katie: (Look at each other with knowing smile, speak in unison) Well...
(Laughter)


While we're on the subject of sexual aids, I wish to bring to your attention a toy of the *drumroll* Twilight variety. No joke. Just click here for the juicy info (you can put it in the freezer for authentic coldness, and, even more hilariously, it sparkles). I hope it goes without saying that it is totally NSFW. Peace.

(By the way, NSFW means not suitable for work or any other populated place.)

Work Those Streets

(The scene: Philosophy class after Ab has finished playing and singing her 'Prostitute Song' (yet to be seriously named) on her ukulele.)

Ms Kelly: Well you've got their thoughts and their turmoil dead on. I used to work with some prostitutes once -
(Entire class gives weirded-out/confused look)
Ms Kelly: Not as one!


Talking of prostitutes, my Mum has started to refer to my little brother as my ho, which apart from being completely out of character, pretty much cracks me up every time.
For those of you interested to hear this 'insightful' song, or wishing to hear it again, it will soon be available to listen to on www.myspace.com/abbrightman and to download free or buy for charity off of http://www.abbrightman.bandcamp.com/ - I wouldn't bother visiting either of those sites right now though as there's currently nothing there. Peace.

High on Fido

One my friends (either Katie or Charlotte) was telling me this skanky but funny thing they heard about today. This guy broke into someone's house looking for drugs (I'm not sure whether it was a random house that they searched on the off-chance that they'd have a stash, or they knew they did), and he stumbled across a load of white powder. He took it, thinking it was coke, and later snorted it. Turned out that it wasn't coke at all, but the ashes of the dear family dog! That guy literally got high on Fido (do not try that at home).

I'd now like to share with you this great website I found the other day. It's basically a collection of lots of stupid/funny things people post on social networks, like facebook, twitter and yahoo answers. See for yourself.








Have a nice weekend.

...In Which Harry Isn't Human

(The scene: Philosophy class, and the group are discussing their definitions of death - stuff gets complicated.)

Harry: (Well known for saying things in philosophy that mess with our heads and give Cathy an aneurysm) I think that death is when no longer think rationally or are conscious.

(Much whispering about the problem of sleep between Ab and Cathy)
Ab: Well if that's true Harry, I die every night!
(Class laugh)


(Still in philosophy)

Harry: (In the midst of a discussion about humanity, spawned from his previous statement) Well I don't believe I'm human.
Cathy: (Incredulous) Wha... how can you not believe you're human?
Harry: Because I'm not.
(Class mutterings about this)
Harry: It's just... 'human' is so cliche!

Ah Harry, it just wouldn't be the same without him making us bang our heads against the table.

IHOP on...

Alright, I have three hours of physics and psychology exams tomorrow to deal with (if you too have exams, check out how to beat exams with humour and cake), but this is just too good to miss.

(The scene: Cyberspace, over at Autostraddle. A discussion is taking place in the comments thread about IHOP resturants.)

Laura: Well, the IHOP closest to my house is on cox road. Which means that it’s IHOP on cox. Which is how they identify themselves when you call them. “Hello, IHOP on cox, how may I help you?” But I don’t know if that’s me just being 14.


If you happen to live near an IHOP, then they've got an all-you-can-eat pancake deal going on at the moment, and I am so jealous.

Post-Christmas Snipets

Hey readers - did you all have great Christmases and New Years (if you're into that sorta thing)? I hope so. For the record, mine was rockin', although I had hoped to spend my Christmas day helping out in a soup kitchen or something, but there were either none open that day, or they refused to accept under 18s, so I was thwarted in that endevour. And you know what also sucks? I have some real A-level exams in about 10 days and I go back to school tomorrow. Good luck to anyone else who's got exams! Anyway, check out a few transcripts of the previous week and a bit.

(The scene: MK shopping centre, a few days before Christmas. Ab is standing near two women, one of whom is heavily pregnant)

Preggers: ...And I'm really hoping he'll be born on Christmas cos it'll save me doin' the turkey, and I won't have to spend time finking up a name for him.
Friend: Eh?
Preggers: Well I'll just call him Jesus won't I! Sure Darren will be fine with that, he's been to Church.


(The scene: Ab, Mum and Brother in the car, and Bro is explaining some weird American toys he's read about.)

Bro: They're all these stuffed animals, but with mental health disorders!
Ab & Mum: (Weird Yanks look)
Bro: No seriously! There's a manic-depressive snake, a bi-polar bear -
Mum: And how do they show these conditions in a stuffed toy?
Bro: Well they come with a description or their backgrounds, and I think the snake right, he's holding some medication in his hand.
Ab: Umm, snakes don't have hands!
Bro: (Realizes mistake, but is unwilling to accept it) Well this one did, alright!

(Actually they are German, you can check them out here. It's crazy. (Thanks to Lauren for the link)
(The scene: Boxing day morning, and Nan and Dad are drinking tea and recovering from Christmas with hyperactive children.)

(Silence)
Nan: So who's funeral was it yesterday?

I love that lady. For more information about Alzheimer's/dementia, or to support the research into a cure for it, please visit the Alzheimer's Society.

The Christmas Special

'Tis Christmas Eve (or actually Christmas already in some parts of the world), so here is my promised Christmas special. It snowed lots and lots in England recently, and one of the funnest things to do is bounce on a snow covered trampoline. But, as I was doing so, all these freaky weird lines formed across it, akin to the ooo-errness of a crop circle. Odd eh? At first I figured it was something to do with the ice and the tension, but now I'm not so sure...



Trampoline crop circle freakery.



Also, at the Brightman household, we had the annual 'Christmas tree discussion' (y'know, the one where you all put forward what you need from a tree and see how much it clashes with the rest of your family's opinions), and I suggested instead of a traditional evergreen, we opt for the palm tree (well, yucca tree) that we already own. It took some persuading, but check it, how awesomely wacky is our tree? Very contemporary, even if it does look like someone just barfed up decorations all over it.

Sorry, you're gonna have o tilt your head - it wouldn't let me rotate it.

(The scene: Sixth form area and Sophie is writing a class Christmas card for her english teacher.)

Sophie: Damnit!
All: What?
Sophie: I meant to write 'Happy Christmas' and it came out as 'Happy Birthday'! It's ruined.
Ab: Nah it's not - just write 'Jesus' at the end of it.


(The scene: SFA again, and the gang have just pulled crackers. Katie won a sheriff badge that she attempts to clip to the front of her low top.)

Katie: (Flounders and fails. Looks around the crowded room) Hadley! You're gay! Help me put this on my top!
Someone: So ignore all your straight female friends that actually have breasts then!


Obviously we need a quick Jesus reminder, even if we don't believe he was the son of God but still hope to get presents.



And there you have it folks. Merry Christmas from me. Don't get drunk and stab anyone with the turkey carving knife. Oh, and if it does snow again, I have searched far and wide for the ultimate snow music (that isn't troika) and have finally found it, so you can have the perfect snowy backing track. You're welcome.

Classy

(The scene: Ab, Brother and Mum are on the top deck of a bus to Bedford, and have just stopped at Kempston, a not so affluent area. Everywhere, save the roads, is covered in snow or brown slush.)

Mum: (Looking down to the busy street) Urh, I just hate seeing all that filth (with disgust) on the paths.
Brother: (Also looking down, noticing all the people) You mean snow filth, right?
Mum: (Sarcastic) No James, all those skanky people!


Come back in a day or two for my first ever Christmas special, with pictures of a trampoline crop circle and my... extremely unique Christmas tree, plus the holiday themed transcript or two.

And also, you should check out my mate Lauren's site because she has been blogging with a vengeance lately (all engaging funny stuff), and has awesome pictures of cakes and people getting hit in the face. Plus, I didn't get her a Birthday or a Christmas present (unless I can think of something that'll travel 8,000 miles in 3 days), so this can be a substitute.

Jesus, Hood-Rats and The Vacuum Party

Ahoy readers, I've got a variety post for you tonight. Firstly, I was in church today practicing my job as a candle lighter in tomorrow's annual Christmas church service (me, Megan and Katie form the Candle Crew, and we're gonna try not to set light to anything and I'm gonna try not to swagger down the church isle), and I saw a banner on the wall that reminded me of last year's service when I was immature and in year 11. Me and Katie were sitting next to each other, and during either one of the silent prayers or the speeches, one of us noticed the said banner that read 'Come Jesus, Come'. Well, the overtly sexual connotation in that made us completely double up with suppressed laughter as it was so not the place for that sort of thing and we were a) crude and b) immature. Well it's funny to me now, so I guess I'm still all those things.

(The scene: Sixth form area and Ab, Katie, Louise and Ashleigh are 'working' when Lou comes out with a really harsh and unexpected comment.)

Ashleigh: Urrgh, I've failed.
Louise: So did your Mum's abortion!
(Shock and laughter)
Louise: I've been waiting all day to say that (devious smile).


(The scene: Still the SFA, but later. Megan has arrived, all attempts at work have ended and Katie is showing off her new word.)
Katie: (To Megan) Hood-rat. You're like vermin, but clothed.

On a musical note, I discovered a really awesome artist the other day that you too might like. She's called Emily and runs a one woman band (i.e. she writes all the instrumental and vocal parts, records and engineers them) named 'The Vacuum Party'. Currently her newest song 'Undertow' (or 'Across the Sea' as it appears in the second music player) is one of my favourite discoveries, so have a listen and see if she rocks your boat. There are two versions of it, and personally I like the second version best. This first version is taken from her musical tumblr.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

This second one comes from her myspace profile. After you've heard Undertow/Across the Sea on there, check out her other stuff, it's all pretty cool and a great variety of styles. Her music will be available to purchase here. Rock on.

Family Life Snipets

Luckily I get on really well with my family - I'm close with all of them despite not living with my Dad, and we all have a good laugh (and some fabulous arguments). The following transcripts are just a few conversations we've had the past couple of days. I'll spare you the one with the Karma Sutra in Waterstones though!

(The scene: Ab and Brother are shoving each other, and Ab accidentally elbows Bro's crotch-groin area.)

Bro: (Howling in melodramatic pain) Ahhh, my one-oh-one!

Ab: (Confused) One-oh-one? Surely you mean oh-one-oh?
Bro: (Thinks about it) Oh yeah...
Ab: Zactly, cos one-oh-one would mean you had two penises and only one ball, which would be a bit awkward to fit into speedos I'm thinking.
Bro: Penii (pronounced pee-nye).
Ab: Huh?
Bro: Penii, that's the er, plural for penis!


(The scene: Ab is lying on her back dealing with hic-ups, and Bro comes in to dish out his solution.)

Bro: Y'know, there's only one proven way of getting rid of hic-ups.
Mum: What is it?

Bro: (Dead serious) Stick a finger up your crack and wiggle it around.

Mum: Where on earth did you hear that?

Bro: QI! (Note - QI is a British television programme where they review various popular beliefs surrounding history and science, and correct them.)

Ab: And who said that then, Stephen Fry? (Note - Stephen Fry presents QI and is an out and proud gay man. No way was this intended as homosexual slander, merely an amusing thought.)

(Ab and Mum laugh)

Bro: (Doesn't get it.)

(The scene: Ab has just arrived at Nan's house to meet Dad and go see Harry Potter (again). Dad opens the door.)

Ab: (Crap fake gangsta voice) Wasup ma ho*!
Dad: (Uber British accent) Your 'ho'? Do you think that's an acceptable thing to call your father?
Ab: (To Bro, deliberately inflammatory) Oooh, ma ho is gettin' angry.
Nan: (Prepare your inner old lady voice) Wassat you're calling him? Your ho?
Dad: A ho as in a whore as in a prostitute.
Nan: That's nice. I knew one of them once. Another life. (Drifts off)
(Ab, Dad and Bro all look at each other in an overtly quizzical manner.)
(Note - she never did know one of them)

*Next year I'm planning an online fundraising activity to aid the poor women that sell themselves for sex because they believe there's no other choice, and you guys can help out without it costing you in time or money (that's the beauty of it). More on that in 2011...

'It Just Came Out!'

Sorry it's been a while, I'm swamped with mock exams and essays, plus a song-writing fury on my guitar the other day - can't stop the creative flow once it gets going! Anyway, I'll be back to normal soon, and my brother just said this little gem:

(The scene: Brother has spent the day playing the 'your face' game (the one where you add 'your face' on to the end of practically every sentence someone says) and is sitting at the table as prudish mother asks him yet again to tidy up the lounge.)

Mum: (Exasperated) Come on!

Brother: Come on your face.

(Shocked pause)

(Face morphs into that of the picture, but with more anger on mum's part)

Brother: Oh my God. I'm sorry, I didn't think!

Ab: (Amused, looking up from paper) People actually do that y'know.

Brother: I know, it just came out -

Ab: That's what he said!

Nice. Oh, and thanks for visiting this blog last month, it got nearly 1500 monthly hits, so keep it up guys! Also, did you hear about the Five Past Tomorrow facebook group? Never forget the blog address again. Peace.

Snipets From the Philosophy Conference

(The scene: Bus back from the Cambridge philosophy conference, and Ab, Cathy and Abi are chatting before later being sucked into a political poppy discussion.)

Ab: It's really weird, but at the moment, everyone in my family's feet are a size 8.
Cathy: (Interested) Oh really? What size are yours then?
Ab: (Pause, eyes flicker from side to side) 8.
Cathy: (Pause. Gets it.)
(Everyone laughs)


(The scene: At the awesome philosophy conference and Peter Vardy (world renowned philosopher and great speaker) is giving the lecture. He is just discussing whether, if humans were immortal, we would be able to give up our immortality.)

Vardy: (Uses a picture of Aragorn and Awen from 'Lord of the Rings' to illustrate his point) You see, this woman (gestures to Awen) was able to give up her elvin immortality because she loves this woman (gestures to Aragorn).
(Ab and Abi silently crack-up due to the gender mix-up and gaying up of LOTR.)
(No-one else in the room appears to have noticed.)

Snipets

(The scene: Ab, Abi, Amy and Louise are sitting in the library, 'working'. Abi is discussing her future plans...)

Abi: ...and then I want to get a business MBA.
Amy: Basketball?
Ab: No, that's the NBA!


(The scene: Ab and Mum in the kitchen getting stuff ready for tea.)

Ab: (Looking in the fridge) Mum, I can't see the mayonnaise anywhere.
Mum: (Knowing that Ab is a notoriously bad looker) Try the bottom shelf.
Ab: (Quickly scans it) Nope, not there.
Mum: It is! I swear it on my Mother life.
(Both hunt around for it on the bottom shelf, until it is spied a few selves up.)
Ab: Y'know, this is probably the only time it'll ever be good that your Mother's already dead. Just never swear on my life, alright?


(The scene: Lunchtime, and Sophie and Katie are discussing the recent history test, and Ab and Abi are on-looking.)

Sophie: You had to do two questions didn't you? Which did you do?
Katie: Three.
(Ab and Abi crack up with the stupidity.)
Katie: No, it's not how it sounds!


Sorry for the gap in posting folks - I've just had such a busy week due to a philosophy essay, and a weekend that was chock of activities. Expect a post soon detailing the failure of one of those activities, possibly with cartoons if I can get paint to work for me!

How To Time Travel

Lots of sci-fi films, books and TV shows seem to centre around the idea of time travel (see Doctor Who for example), and they either rely on science hearsay (such as wormholes) or make something obscure up to explain how it actually happens. However, what is repeatedly overlooked is the sort of time travel that we achieve at least once every year.

What I'm talking about is putting the clocks back an hour, like we did yesterday/today(?). Think about it; it reaches the midnight of October 30th and the time suddenly jumps back an hour, allowing all humans to relive the 11th hour (ok, 23rd hour) free of charge and black holes. Therefore, if you make any mistakes in that hour, you get the opportunity to go back and correct them, and if someone asks what you're doing, just say the hour you messed up in technically has been replaced. I love that idea of messing with time!

Other ways to time travel in the modern world are:

1. Fly to a country that has a different time zone to yours, so you can experience time travel from the comfort (or 'comfort' if it's EasyJet) of an aeroplane seat, and not even feel different when you cross over the various time boundaries.
2. Post a package/letter to Australia, but tell the Post Office staff to send it to the future.
3. Be present when the clocks are put forward in Spring. It always annoys me how an hour is stolen from my life then, but I'm usually asleep so don't even notice.
4. I suppose you could argue that every moment you are alive is a form of time travel since we are continually progressing forward in time, so just by reading this, you have gone all Dr Who minus the Tardis!

If you have any more time related ideas, share them in the comments section where you don't need a google/blogger account or to be signed in to anything. Time is such a wide and fascinating concept, that I'll never do it justice in one post!

Snipets

(The Scene: First Sunday of half-term, and Dad is asking Ab what she's doing all week so they can plan a day to hang out.)

Dad: Well how about coming to Duxford with me and James one day?
Ab: I dunno, I'm really busy so I might not be able to fit that in anywhere.
Dad: Busy? What are you doing tomorrow then?
Ab: (In her expressionless, blank voice) Tomorrow is a free day.
Dad: (Laughing) And the day after?
Ab: I have a phone call to make.
Dad: Woah, tough schedule!


(The scene: On the bus back from Bedford, Ab is eavesdropping on a mother and son of about 8 sitting behind her.)

Son: (Singing tunelessly) No hope and shattered dreams, shattered dreams, shattered dreams. (Not singing, thoughtful) Do you have shattered dreams Mummy?
Mum: Well it's not on my iPod.

Omar seriously has an awesome afro.

(The scene: Psychology class, and everyone is chatting. Miss O'Callahan is up the other side of the room when Omar's phone goes off.)

Omar: Hello, hello?
(Everyone gradually goes silent)
Omar: Oh hi man...
(Miss O'Callahan then stares at Omar with an amused look on her face)
Omar: (Uncomfortable) Yeah, well you see it's a bit awkward now as I'm in the middle of a lesson. See ya.
(Class cracks up)

Political Activism and Dinosaurs

Guess what? I was thinking the other day about politics. So much so that I'm creating a label for it one this blog so that if I post more political stuff, it can be easily 'filed' and found by inquiring minds. Anyway, my political thought was 'there is no point just sitting around complaining about political problems and social injustices (the world is sadly full of them, and it is some human's innate instinct to hate people different to themselves that often convinces me of God's non-existence), that's not going to do anything. Get off your butt Ab Brightman and go make a difference.' I have spare time that I fill with internal dialogue about current issues, so it figures that I could use that time to help solve the issues that bug me. With me?

As I'm not old enough to vote yet (the voting age is 18 here, and I am 17 at the end of March), I thought 'official' political activism might be a bit tricksy to get into, but then I heard about this great organisation called 'Liberal Youth'. I'm a liberal at heart, so it sounded up my street, and after a bit of research it turned out that they were a branch of the Liberal Democrats, which would be the party I'd vote for now if I could. Rock on, thinks me, so I'm now in the process of exploring what it's all about, and hopefully getting involved in a wee bit o' campaigning! Luckily, the Chair of my area's branch is also in my school's Sixth Form (for sixth form stuff, we've actually posted stuff over at http://www.lifeinthesixth.blogspot.com/), although in the year above, but she was still able to provide me with lots of useful info. Anyone else into political activism?

On another note, how awful are the new proposed university fees (over £7000 a year in tuition alone)? It's ridiculous, practically more than my Mother earns a year. Hopefully the Lib Dems will stick true to their policies and vote against it!

And here's a great picture of a Tyranowhoreus Rex from the hilarious Hyperbole and a Half, because we all need a laugh.

Narcotics and Cake

(Actually, this one takes place on the interweb. Group email about Megan's birthday (TODAY - HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGSTER) party on Saturday. She has just broken the news that there will be a bit of alcohol present, and people are faux panicking.)

[Message] 

Megan: You don't need to drink it, there'll be other stuff, and coke...

[New Message]
Megan: (Worried by the mention of coke in conjunction with a group discussion or narcotics) As in the drink!


(Philosophy as ever, and Megan is cutting the cake that is for her birthday (we exchange birthday cakes in philosophy) very slowly, and into 13 pieces.)

(Ab and Cathy are staring slack-jawed at the cake and have been this way for several minutes now. All else ceases to matter apart from the gooey chocolate cake that Megan is being so particular about. Both realize they are in a trance, snap out of it at the same time and look at each other.)
Ab: (Grins) It's so hypnotic.
Cathy: (Smiles guiltily)

I just realized that 'Narcotics and Cake' sounds like some sort of baking drugsfest, akin to the one in Skins series 3. Don't worry, I'm nothing like that. Observe my tweet this morning: (Anyone have twitter? Follow or drop me a line @AbBrightman)

What Happens in Philosophy...

We seem to laugh a lot in philosophy, and I write about things said in it quite a lot, so it's got its own post today! Here's some funny things said recently:

(The Scene: Philosophy class, and we are discussing the transcendent realm (heaven). Lucy is verbalising this tricky problem.)

Lucy: I mean, it's beyond time and all, but where is it?
Matt: Well, you go up the M1, take the third junction...
(Class laugh)

(Still philosophy, but in the break. Ab and Cathy are discussing Cathy's medical student plans at university.)

Ab: You know how they give you a body to work on? Well I was thinking, how funny would it be if you -
Cathy: (Aghast) Got someone I know!
Ab: Yeah, exactly!
Cathy: Oh no, that wouldn't be funny at all. My Grandparents want to donate their body to medical science!

(Beginning of philosophy, and Ab is questioning Matt's Super Dry t-shirt)

Ab: I don't get it, what does Super Dry even mean?
Kellywoman: Nothing, it's just a brand.
Matt: Yeah! What does (gets up to look at what's written on Ab's top. See's it says Oxford University. His point disappears.)
(Class laugh)


Oh, by the way, I set up a Five Past Tomorrow facebook page at the weekend, so if you want to show your appreciation for this blog, like it please! When I get 25 people, I can get a fancy username too.

Memories and the Benefit of Forgetting

When I first heard that song ('Memories'), I thought it was great - melody-wise, and lyrically. Really deep sounding, y'know? Then of course, I found out it came from the musical 'Cats', and in a way, that ruined the song forever for me. This may be a totally bigoted thing to say, but I fond it a lot more profound when I thought humans were singing it!

But I digress. This post is all about memories as in the things you remember. One of my Internet colleagues who I'm very fond of and bug on twitter mentioned on her website about the beauty of memories, and I'd just like to escalate that here. Now, some of you will know that I am blessed with a particularly good memory (and that it is the key to my academic success rather than hard work), however, believe it or not, I do forget things on a regular basis, I just don't realize it. But there lies the gain in forgetting. If you remembered everything, you would not value the moments that make up your life, just take them for granted. But when I remember something I thought I'd lost, it feels like I've found another piece of myself in that day, moment, conversation I just got back. And it's golden in the way that only your own life can be to you. It's like finding a £20 note in a jacket pocket a year after leaving it there and not realizing you had it, except you never have to spend the memory, it's yours for life. Memories do not create the life we lead, but they help us reflect on it and, if they're good, make us smile. Rock on remembering folks.

Something else that has a good point is this PostSecret. It's funny too!

On the subject of how crap women's magazines are, Jezebel does an amusing breakdown of the lies they tell you over at http://jezebel.com/tag/cover-lies/.

Snipets of Louise's Day

(The scene: Registration and Ab and Louise are discussing a new type of salt ad vinegar crisp.)

Ab: When you suck it, it actually gets pretty sweet.
Lou: Well I never suck and swallow, I just... bite.
Ab: Nice. (Grins)


(The scene: Sixth form common room and Ab an Louise are high-fiveing.)

(Palms smack)
Lou: Owwww! (Indignant) That hurt!
Ab: Man, you're a cissy. That so wasn't hard!
Lou: Come on then, give me a hard one.
Ab:(Incredulous over this unexpected jem) Give you a hard one? (What is this, a porno?)
(Laughter)


(The scene: SFC and Louise and Katie are spoiling us with an overabundance of 'your face' jokes. As I'm not sure exactly who said which one, they will have to stake their claims in the comments section.)

Someone: (When a certain face is seen) Ahhhh, my eyes!

Someone: (Pointing at a face) Omg, it's a UFO -
Both: Ugly Face Overload!


It has, sadly, taken me this long to realize that I've been spelling 'Snipets' wrong all this time as it's actually supposed to read 'Snippets' as you my have guessed. Oddly enough, no-one told me of that blunder! However, even though it is probably really bad SEO (search engine optimisation - how google sorts through articles on the web when you you search for something such as 'Five Past Tomorrow') I don't think I'll change it. Unless it really offends you of course.

Harry Sucks It Up

(The scene: The library, and Ab, Harry, Abi and Georgina have just finished discussing the philosophy essay (soon to be posted on www.platoscavealumni.wordpress.com). They are parting not so sweetly.)

Harry: (To Abi and Georgina) Well now I'm gonna think dirty thoughts about you! Ha!
(Ab, Abi and Georgina are mildly appalled)
Abi: Oh come on Harry, that's not nice.
Harry: (Grinning his devious one) Well you can't stop me.
Ab: (Ponders) No, we can't. But I can think dodgy thoughts about you! (Thoughts that do not include Ab, just to clarify)
Harry: (Incredulous) What?
Ab: That's right, suck on that. (Mimes imagining something) Oh wait, you just did. (Grins her devious smile)
(Harry doesn't get it)

Sorry, that's a little crude, but Harry deserved it, trust me. That's not the first time he's threatened friends of mine with 'dirty thoughts'. Hopefully he won't again! (Although thanks to Harry for being a loyal blog follower of mine - see you in philosophy man.)

The Right Link and Grazzi to My Followers

I noticed that the link to my feedback/formspring page that I posted on this site was faulty for some reason, so sorry if anyone has been trying to leave me feedback (good or bad) and has been unable to! For future reference, here is the link: http://www.formspring.me/AbBrightmanBlog so it would be really useful for me if you were to leave some feedback for me (you can do it completely anonymously and do not have to be a member of anything) as if there's anything you wnat improved, I can do it, and also so I know if I'm on the right track, humor-wise!

Thanks for reading, and also a big thanks to all my official followers as I had several more join the ranks recently, and never thanked them. Have a good day.

Snipets and Ab Opens Up For Once

(The scene: Chemistry class, Ab and Em are discussing The Future with the girls in front on them.)

Abi: ...I'm gonna become a consultant and earn £200,000 a year, then I'm gonna set-up my own consultant business and get £200 an hour.
Em: (In awe) Wow, you've got your whole life mapped out - I don't even know what I want to do this weekend!


(The scene: Philosophy class, the beginning.)

Cathy: (To Ab) I made cookies! (In philosophy we have this tradition where we bake tasty stuff and drink tea) I found this new recipe, and it said it made 10 cookies. Well, because there's more of us than that, I doubled it and it made 60!
Ab: (Really hopes Cathy bought all the cookies in because Ab knows that Cathy's baking is fabulous).

(The Scene: Wootton Upper School Open Evening, and Ab has finished giving guided tours. In a vociferous mood, she bounds up to the English department where Emma (year above, odd kind of stranger but also not really. A conundrum for the autistic me!) was helping out, determined to tell her she looked ace that evening (she was wearing a tailored suit, and girls in suits are ignored by society because they look so classy)).

Ab: (Striding into the room with what was either a really arrogant swagger, or a silly stiff-limbed walk.)(Comes to a standstill in front of Emma, probably invades her personal space) Excuse me.
Emma: Hello. (Intrigued)
Ab: (Sincere) Emma, you look really great tonight. I read once that it's better to give a compliment than not to, just to avoid looking awkward and stupid, so I'm adopting that philosophy today!
Emma: Oh, well, thanks. (Smiles, pleasantly surprised)
Ab: (Does something goofy) Goodbye. (Pivots and exits. Walk probably resembles a crab, but forwards.) (Realises that it totally looked as if she was coming on to Emma in front of an audience.)

Ok, maybe you don't think that the last one is that funny. However, it does prove several points: a) women in suits look good, b) I am secretly a nice person, although it is often strangely overlooked, and c) I have been known to be awkward once in a while. But never embarrassed. Rock on.

Are We Not Mature?

This September, me and most of my friends joined the sixth form, which is for 16-18 year olds at school, and is meant to be a really mature section of our teenage lives. Turns out it's not.


(The Scene: Ab and Katie are hanging out, discussing The Very Important Topic of Katie's lip balm use.)

Ab: ...and I hate that thing that happens with lip balm, where you dig it out and it all gets under your fingernails. (Pause for tortured grimace accompanied by horrendous childhood memories of vaseline usage that, according to Fraud, will be Ab's undoing) Why don't you just use a chapstick?
Katie: Well, I would but I prefer to use my finger.
Ab: Dude! (Look at each other then completely crack up.)


(The Scene: Ab, Katie and Brother are sitting round a table, discussing euphemisms.)

Ab: Well I think that we should try and say at least one a day, just to keep some humour in our lives even if we do become buried under work.
Katie: Yeah, yeah, we totally should.
Brother: (Pondering) Only one? I don't think that'll be very hard. (See what he did there?)
(Laughter)


(The scene: Sixth form common room and Ab, Katie and Louise have put hula hoops on the ends of their fingers and are making them dance on the table.)

Louise: (Gets neurotic about hygiene issues bought up by the dirty table, so moves to a cleaner stage. Makes her hula fingers do the can-can.)
Ab: (Fingers strut around to 'River Dance' and such like.)
Katie: (Hula hoops are singing.)
Ab: (Pause) Wow guys. And we're in sixth form as well!


You can keep up with our sixth form lives over at http://www.lifeinthesixth.blogspot.com/. I try not to blog too much about my personal life on this site to keep you free from bordom, but if you ever wonder if we grow up a little, that's where to head. Peace out.

Snipets

(Physics class, and Teacher is directing the students about the experiment they are about to do that tests different liquids out of the selection available.)

Teacher: (Holding a small cup) ...And then you can fill this up with your chosen fluid. (Pauses) Ah, you know what, I just realised how bad that sounded. (Oddly the class gives her the silent treatment)


(Extended Project qualification. The assignment was to create a presentation telling people how to give a good presentation, which provided some great ironies as the best people to ask to give a good presentation are generally not 16/17 year olds, unless they have an uncanny amount of confidence like Ab. The first group is just on their first 'what not to do' point.)

Girl: (Slide reads 'Do not read from the slides'.) Don't - (Goes to read from the slide then realises the total hypocrissy of this. Everyone cracks-up good naturedly.)


(Philosophy and Cathy is listing Finis' '7 Basic Goods'.)

Cathy: ...play, knowledge, aesthetic experience (beauty)... Finis says that is any of these goods are not met, then the person is not living a fulfilled life.
Megan: So does that mean if you're ugly, you fail?
Ab: Huh? Where'd you get that from?
Megan: Cathy said beauty!

Famous? Not Quite Ab!

Ahoy! Hope life's good for you all. I've got another set of snipets that should wind it's way to you tomorrow, but to fill the void in your blog-reading schedual, you should check out http://www.seventeenandout.blogspot.com/ which is new and run by Lauren who lives in the world's capital, New York. The tagline for it is 'A blog in which I offend everyone and don't really give a crap. It's gonna be awesome!!' The score currently stands at Karma 1, Lauren 0.

What's supercool is that Lauren mentioned her liking for my blog in her first post http://seventeenandout.blogspot.com/2010/09/greetings.html which a) I really appreciate, so thanks Lauren! and b) makes me feel satisfied cos I've produced something that someone else gets enjoyment from, which is one of my main blogging aims. If you, the readers, aren't liking what I write, then it sucks. Plus, now I feel like a celebrity (come on, I'm only 16) so if anyone else ever mentions me in a post, you will have my undying grattitude, so just let me know alright? Not that I expect everyone to go do a Lauren!
 
Another way to fill your blogging void is by reading my joint blog http://www.lifeinthesixth.blogspot.com/ - posting about our funny and interesting experiences in the sixth form has properly commenced now. Peace out!

Snipets

As I, Ab Brightman, have now returned to school, people around me are once again saying funny/clever/stupid things, which means that Daily Snipets can be resumed.

(Philosophy class, during group work. Teacher is talking to Ab about her brother being in one of her classes this school year.)

Ab: (Smirking, confident and jesting) He looks nothing like me y'know - I got all the gorgeous genes in the family.
(Mass laughter)
Cathy: (Sarcastic, under her breath) And obviously all the modest ones too.

(Sixth form common room, discussing the day.)

Charl: ...And then I forgot what the date was today.
Ab: (Incredulous) But it's your birthday!
Katie: Oh, it's alright Charlotte, I did that last year on mine.

You Have Two Eyes?

(The Scene: Brother is in the kitchen cooking soup in the microwave while Ab is baking bread in the oven.)

Ab: (Walks out of the kitchen to set the table) Bro, can you just watch my bread for me please?
Brother: (Getting eratic) Oh my God Ab, I have to watch the soup as well; it's not like I have two eyes! (He does, to clarify there.)


Turns out the Brother has a blog called Capitalist Junction where he is going to review adverts, i.e. comment on the stupid/ironicness of them, which should be funny. It's pretty new, but hopefully will provide an interesting insite into commercialism...

Dumb Teenage Son Meets My Update

A new school year is almost upon me again, and I will be starting my A-level courses in philosophy, psychology, chemistry and physics. I confess that I am already behind on work and the term hasn't even started yet, but then again, I'm the person who regularly racks up library fines over £15. Good luck to anyone stating a new school/university/job this fall. Anyway, if I don't post as much as is my norm, it's because I'm studying right. Hopefully I won't have to do too much of that though! I got my GCSE (an examined qualification in every subject) results back the other day, and I got all As and A*s, which is pretty good. Anyway, here's the transcript you really want:


(The scene: A semi-crowded train destined for Portsmouth. DTS (dumb teenage son) and The Mum are sitting opposite Ab as the eavesdropping commences)

DTS: Mum, when did you give me this t-shirt again? While ago weren't it?
The Mum: It was for your last birthday -
DTS: Man, this t-shirt's getting old then, cos that was over a year ago now.
The Mum: Well honey, Christmas is coming up soon, so you can ask for a new t-shirt then, can't you?
DTS: (Grunts) Yeah, 'spose. What's the date this year?

Betcha feeling good about your own intelligence levels now, aintcha?

(NEWSFLASH: I've managed to change the settings, nd now anyone, whether they have an account or not, can post. Just click on the comments link under each post, and it'll open a new window for you.)

A Song You Can Feel

An update and transcript will be with you shortly, but listen to this first. Really odd, but hauntingly good. It's by The Organ, one of my favourite bands, and it's called 'Don't Be Angry'. Give it a chance, eh?

Holy As Thou Art

Have you ever noticed that the countries where religion is most prevelent are usualy the countries with the most problems? (I'm excluding communist/facist countries in this as taking away or giving people religion forcefully obviously causes massive problems.) So, what's up with that? I'll give you a brief summery of my thoughts on the matter, and, as always, if you disagree, comment and share you point of view!

First up, maybe it's because there are so many agnostics and atheists in 'western' (excluding Ireland cos we allknow the Christian civil war rubbish continuing to happen there) countries? On a moral ground, I find the As to be generally more accepting of other people's choices, and the state choices. This is not to say that there are not many ignorant As - there are millions. However, generally they do not have as many matching objections to laws, wars, other beliefs relating to religion, which leads to better co-operation in society and makes it easier for a government to maintain control. I'm not saying that it makes the countries any better because those 'flexible morals' can lead to increased promiscuity for example, but more open and less clashing societies at least.

Or maybe we should thank the dying of fundementalist religious followers here in the west. They're still out there, but in nowhere near as many numbers as the past. Instead, liberal religious members are the main driving force, and these people are completely embracing and accepting of things that used to be hated, such as homosexuality and other religions. I think tolerance has a lot to do with having a functioning society, and places like Afganhistan and Israel lack that.

Or, you know, it could have nothing to do with religion at all!

Music to Your Ears (Not Really Your Eyes Eh)

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I have been away on holiday in the Isle of White Wight (lovely place, but completely lacking in race diversity). Anyhoo, I have a post coming about religion, agnostics and world problems which should be interesting, but first I'll introduce you to some great new music that I found recently. Now, I'm a die hard piano music fan, but I do like a bit of alternative indie rock, so here are my newest iPod additions - hopefully you'll find something you like:









I love her face when she says 'monkey'!

A Very British Scandal

(The scene: a public bus travelling towards Kempston from Wootton at around 9:20am. Ab is dropping eves on two edging-towards-the-end-of middle-aged women sitting a few seats behind.)

Bakester: ...So then of course, I won the rosette right under Margie's nose because Julie judged my cake the tastiest -
Churchy: She did? But you can't even make fairy cakes!
Bakester: I know that, silly, hence the reason I purchased one from Tesco's about 5 minutes before the judging took place -
Churchy: Tesco's? Not even Marks and Sparks? My my, I always said Julie had no taste, and her choosing a Tesco's cake over one of Margie's homemade masterpiece's just confirms it.
Bakester: Yes, but even so, I'm still crowed Queen of the WI cake-bake!
(Both cackle)
Churchy: Still, (wipes eyes) I don't think that's quite as good as when you laced the tea at that WI meeting with rum, and Margie got so drunk she fell onto the organ in the middle of 'Jerusalem'!
Bakester: Oooh, I'd forgotten about that! That reminds me of the time you got jolly on the Holy Communion wine and told Father Benjamin that it was ribiena!
(They both collapse with girlish giggles)

Poor Margie. I don't think those two are her greatest fans.

New Site to Observe

Quick note: Posting has now started on my (joint) new site Life In the Sixth! The first post dishes out awards, good, bad and funny, for our sixth form induction day, so check it out at http://www.lifeinthesixth.blogspot.com/
Happy reading!

Team Vampire Spoof!

Has everyone noticed the huge vampire tread the last couple of years? If you haven't, then a) lucky you, and b) where've you been? There are more films, crap TV shows, books, t-shirts revolving around vampires than ever before, except these vampires are a little removed from old-timers like Dracula. The new vamps on the block pout excesively and have constant relationship dramas that make us glad to be simple humans. Personally, I blame the 'Twilight' phenomenon for all that, so it's about time a proper spoof of it was made. Enter 'Vampires Suck'.

Now that is what I call a good trailer, none of that all tourtured angst and 'come hither Jacob, but oh nos, I'm already going out with Edward but still kinda love you' stuff in the official 'Twilight: Eclipse' trailer, which is totally untrue anyway as, in the books, Jacob is a right jerk. I hope the film shows in England cos I totally wanna see how far the camp werewolves get in their routine. And i really like Edward's hair.

When Was Jesus Born?

For someone living in the UK who went to a Church of England middle school who is now 16 and starting the sixth form, this statement is incredibly stupid. So stupid in fact, that it doesn't even warrant my usual transcript format (by the way, it wasn't me that said this).

'Oh my God, that is such a coincidence, Jesus being born on Christmas day and all!'

Seriously, no joke. Next thing you know, she'll be saying it's coincidence that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson look like each other...

Football Only Looks Gay, and Other Viewing Weirdness

All this talk and watching of the football (or soccer if you're American) World Cup has put me in mind of some odd sport-viewing behavior. For example, why do people scream advice to the players at the TV screen? Newsflash: they're not gonna hear you! I know the managers do it and the players don't often hear them due to attack of the vuvuzalas, but at least they're actually on the edge of the pitch.

Another favourite of mine is people who, after a player makes a mistake, claim that they 'would've made that shot!' Ummm, no, I very much doubt that as you are a portly middle-aged man who used to play football at school, not a Rich Young Thing who gets paid millions to hone their game skills. My mother, the football Grand Master herself, does this an awful lot, with a helping of her 'just kick it!' advice on the side.

Also, what's up with all the touching on and off the pitch? Previously homophobic men who keep the world at arms length, suddenly hugging, kissing and rolling around with each other in what can only be described as a homoerotic display, similar to wrestling. Dudes, keep continuity - either always be touch-happy, or never be!

The final thing (for now) is how people can get so wound up about something that really doesn't involve them. I can understand the players and the off-pitch teams caring deeply about what happens, but that's because they have an actual involvement in the game. Most supporters have never met any of the teams they support so strongly, so why do they act like their lives and happiness depend on the next game?

So, football's a crazy little world like most other things. Personally, I can't wait for the women's world cup that the facist right-wing patriachial media appears to continually oppress. A shout out to Brazil, whom I'm supporting, cos South American teams really own the game. Happy Viewing!

Phone Silliness

Have you ever noticed how people repeat themselves on the phone? I even do it myself, although I'm trying to stop. No, I'm not talking about retelling a story, or dragging up the same topic again (which I am completely guilty of, sorry Weenybop). I'm talking about the double greeting - saying hello (or equivalant) twice in a row. Observe this common start to a phone conversation if you don't get what I mean:

(Betty's phone starts to ring, so she stops doing her dance karate in her living room and picks it up)

Betty: Hello? (still hears the phone ringing so examines it) Oh silly me, I forgot to press the button again! (presses the button) Hello?
Daniel: Hey, it's me.
Betty: Oh hi. (Launches into the conversation)

See what I mean? Now, this brings us onto the important question - are two greetings really nessasary? Well, silly as they sound when you really listen to them, it appears they are nessasay as a) if you do not greet the person twice but leave a pause after they say hi to let them continue but they don't fill it so an awkward silence follows, this starts the conversation off in a bad way which is not good, and b) only people who are know by the answerer get two hellos - strangers are never greeted this way, so it afirms you status as know by them.

Also, another silly thing surrounding phones is the amount of people in the western world who are called Me. Seriously, I was going through all my phone messages the other night and I'd say at least 90% of the people on it were called Me. The stupid thing was, as people's voices sound different on the phone, I didn't have a clue who all the Mes alter egos were!

So Cathy Cheats and Can I Write Music?

Evening all, and what a busy day it has been. I had my last ever (proper) GCSE exam today (the ethics paper of philosophy and ethics - I wrote 14 pages for this exam, bringing the total pages written for P + E to 27, which practically equals a book!) and do I feel relieved? No. Yet another (unsurprising) anti-climax. But enough of life, I want your opinion on something! The other day I wrote the begining to a piece of music that I intend to develop, and I wondered if you thought the begining sounded any good. I'm afraid the recording device cut of the music after a couple of bars, but you'll get the gist. Plus, spot the bum note I made for bonus points. (You might need to jack the volume up a bit)

So, reckon it's any good? You can give your opinion either in the comments section below, or on my feedback page. Anything will be greatly appreciated!

And in other news, Cathy said something quite amusing (and potentially incriminating) before the exam today.

(Ab and Cathy are waiting outside the exam hall waiting to go in, discussing Cathy's spanish A-level)

Cathy: ...And I was surprised to find I was the only person in the whole sportshall doing an exam! It was rather lonely, and I didn't like it at all as there was no-one else to watch work.
Ab: Umm, that's called cheating Cathy!

Shout out to my dear friend Megan who had her braces finally taken off on tuesday - can't wait to see her lovevly teeth!

My Mother, the Football Lover

My mother appears to have had a slight personality change. I'm still monitoring the situation of course, but it's getting slightly worrying...

Profile: Ab's Mother - shy and retiring, the kind of woman who lives in skirts bought from charity shops or Marks and Spencer, hates computers, enjoys a small drink but has only ever been drunk once (was allegedly 'tricked' into it) and detests patriotism and watching team sports.

Now, bearing all this in mind, see how shocking her behavior of late has been:

• When England was playing a World Cup match the other night, she obsessively watched it (even though she doesn't know the rules of football. Yet) and refused to let me change the channel in the half time break because she wanted to listen to a bunch of middle-aged men analyse every pass to death.
• She watched the match whilst typing away on the laptop, which rather violates her one-screen-at-a-time rule.
• The day after, I caught her tipping her favourite type of wine down the sink, which would have counted as a sin to her before the craziness.
• She wore a pair of jeans for a whole day (jeans are the uncomfortable enemy in her book).

And if all this wasn't enough, she actually had a conversation about football with a stranger with a shop the other day. She came home all flushed with pride because of it. Oh dear...

Special Exam Playlist

So most of us GCSE students only have one more week of exams left, and I thought, to keep up morale in the face of such adversities as tiredness, procrastination and boredom, that I would share with you some of my exam-days playlist that helps me get the adreniline flowing and is part of the reason I swagger into most exam halls regardless of whether I actually revised for that subject (the other reason I swagger is that I have potentially dangerous levels of over-confidence). Note: there is no order to the songs bellow as I generally shuffle my playlists, and the songs in this playlist do not reflect my general taste in music.

• 'Under Pressure' by Queen - I think the title says all, and it will help you get in the zone.
• 'Bad Reputation' by Joan Jett - gets you jazzed up and gives confidence even if failure is on the horizon.
• 'Fire' by Kasabian - fast forward to chorus which says 'I'm on fire'; should bode well for the exam.
• 'Imigrant Song' by Led Zeplin - you've probably heard this one, but walking in slo-mo to it and tossing whatever hair you have about in time to the 'ahahhhh's really gets the confidence flowing.
• 'Clubbed to Death' by Rob Dougan - you've probably heard this one before too, but it'll help get you in the zone.
• 'I Want it All' by Queen - just to remind youself that you damn well do want it all!
• 'I'll Be There For You' by The Rembrants (Friends theme song) - just to say, even if you muck up the exam, it's not the end of the world.

I think I've got most aspects of the exam covered here, so listen to these songs and you should be fine. If anyone's got a song I haven't included, please let me no and I'll edit it in. Good luck to everyone talking exams in the next few weeks!