Family Life Snipets

Luckily I get on really well with my family - I'm close with all of them despite not living with my Dad, and we all have a good laugh (and some fabulous arguments). The following transcripts are just a few conversations we've had the past couple of days. I'll spare you the one with the Karma Sutra in Waterstones though!

(The scene: Ab and Brother are shoving each other, and Ab accidentally elbows Bro's crotch-groin area.)

Bro: (Howling in melodramatic pain) Ahhh, my one-oh-one!

Ab: (Confused) One-oh-one? Surely you mean oh-one-oh?
Bro: (Thinks about it) Oh yeah...
Ab: Zactly, cos one-oh-one would mean you had two penises and only one ball, which would be a bit awkward to fit into speedos I'm thinking.
Bro: Penii (pronounced pee-nye).
Ab: Huh?
Bro: Penii, that's the er, plural for penis!


(The scene: Ab is lying on her back dealing with hic-ups, and Bro comes in to dish out his solution.)

Bro: Y'know, there's only one proven way of getting rid of hic-ups.
Mum: What is it?

Bro: (Dead serious) Stick a finger up your crack and wiggle it around.

Mum: Where on earth did you hear that?

Bro: QI! (Note - QI is a British television programme where they review various popular beliefs surrounding history and science, and correct them.)

Ab: And who said that then, Stephen Fry? (Note - Stephen Fry presents QI and is an out and proud gay man. No way was this intended as homosexual slander, merely an amusing thought.)

(Ab and Mum laugh)

Bro: (Doesn't get it.)

(The scene: Ab has just arrived at Nan's house to meet Dad and go see Harry Potter (again). Dad opens the door.)

Ab: (Crap fake gangsta voice) Wasup ma ho*!
Dad: (Uber British accent) Your 'ho'? Do you think that's an acceptable thing to call your father?
Ab: (To Bro, deliberately inflammatory) Oooh, ma ho is gettin' angry.
Nan: (Prepare your inner old lady voice) Wassat you're calling him? Your ho?
Dad: A ho as in a whore as in a prostitute.
Nan: That's nice. I knew one of them once. Another life. (Drifts off)
(Ab, Dad and Bro all look at each other in an overtly quizzical manner.)
(Note - she never did know one of them)

*Next year I'm planning an online fundraising activity to aid the poor women that sell themselves for sex because they believe there's no other choice, and you guys can help out without it costing you in time or money (that's the beauty of it). More on that in 2011...