Help Ugandan Gays, Harry Potter Pick-Up Lines and A Very Intriguing Picture...

Citizens of earth. I come to you with a proposal. You know about the crap in Uganda where they're trying to pass an anti-homosexual bill that'll result in long imprisonment or possibly death for gay Ugandans? Well here's a petition I urge you to sign condemming it and asking the Ugandan government to re-think it. There's only a few hours left, so please don't put signing it off til later!

Right, the important thing covered, check out this picture Emma posted on facebook. Looks very risqué for a cartoon, does it not? I you have any theories of what the artist intended to be happening, comment away! (The comments do not require registration, and can be anonymous)

If your life is missing good pick-up lines, then this site (http://fuck-yeahpickuplines.tumblr.com/) has many amusing ones. My favourites are the Harry Potter ones, such as 'If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together', and 'I must have had some Felix Felicis because I think I'm about to get lucky'. Crude yeah, but sometimes you need that in the run-up to exams.

Age Concern: Being Younger on Mars

It's my 17th birthday on March the 31st. Any of my people wanting to get me a cheap awesome birthday present can get me a membership to Amnesty International (a human rights organisation) here, which comes with a free t-shirt too. You will receive much gratitude and a high five.

No way do I feel 17. In books and films, 17 is the age when people get into 'serious' relationships, grow up for real, drive cars and enter the future. I know exactly who I am, what I want and what I believe in, but I'd like to pause life cos I'm just not ready for the consequences yet, know what I mean? Shame is, no-one can pause it so I spose I'll just have to get on with it. Ah well.

Anyone else feel like their exact age? Most people I've spoken to either feel older or younger, but never quite dead on. This makes me think that our year system is flawed as it doesn't seem to be dead on. Also I was thinking; if humans one day lived on Mars (I doubt it will happen as we'll probably convert Mars into a nuclear weapons testing ground and complete destroy it, but you never know) will those humans all be numerically younger than us, even if they were born at the same time, due to Mars having a longer one around the Sun trip (a year then)? That's an interesting one. I'm thinking yes. Therefore, if you want to be younger, stuff anti-aging cream, head off to Mars.

On Packages

(The scene: Two guys a few years below Ab are discussing bodies on the next table in the library.)

Guy 1: F*** me, I mean, what is the point of pubes?
Guy 2: I know right. You can set fire to them though, and they jump about.
Guy 1: Really?
Guy 2: Mmm, but don't light up while they're still attached to your balls or dick.
Guy 1: That's another thing, yeah. Are balls included as part of our (does air quotes) 'genetalia'?
(Brief pause)
Ab: (Leans across to them) Yeah, it's kind of a package deal.
(They don't get it)


Speaking of packages (but of a different kind, eh), another reason you should get a penpal is that the best ones send you thoughtful birthday presents that they've purchased and dealt with behind their parents' backs, and then send it to you via expensive airmail, all without abducting you because they know your address. Awesome, isn't it? The most annoying part of this arrangement is that I'm banned from openning it before my 17th birthday (31st  March, gifts much appreciated) and that is many days away. I'd post a picture of my package (hehe), but it's been taken away by my Mother as she does not trust me not to be tempted and open it. It has to be said, she is right not to. Peace.

It Pays to Eavesdrop

(The scene: Sunday evening, and Ab is reading but really eavesdropping on brother's phone call with Charlotte.)

(Talking from the phone)
Brother: (Incredulous) What?! You've been asleep since Friday?
(More talking from phone)
Brother: No, that's not called a lie-in, that's called a coma.

Anne Summers is Long

(The scene: Sixth form common room at break time. The gang are discussing which shop Hayley's new trousers came from because she will not divulge.)

Hayley: Ok, fine. It's somewhere beginning with S...
(Various S shop names are guessed)
Megan: Sainsbury's?
Hayley: No. Keep guessing!
Louise: Anne Summers? (A lingerie and sex shop)
Ab: (Looking at the length of Hayley's trousers) Nah, they don't sell anything that long there.
(A pause in which the sex shop part is remembered)
Ab & Katie: (Look at each other with knowing smile, speak in unison) Well...
(Laughter)


While we're on the subject of sexual aids, I wish to bring to your attention a toy of the *drumroll* Twilight variety. No joke. Just click here for the juicy info (you can put it in the freezer for authentic coldness, and, even more hilariously, it sparkles). I hope it goes without saying that it is totally NSFW. Peace.

(By the way, NSFW means not suitable for work or any other populated place.)

High on Fido

One my friends (either Katie or Charlotte) was telling me this skanky but funny thing they heard about today. This guy broke into someone's house looking for drugs (I'm not sure whether it was a random house that they searched on the off-chance that they'd have a stash, or they knew they did), and he stumbled across a load of white powder. He took it, thinking it was coke, and later snorted it. Turned out that it wasn't coke at all, but the ashes of the dear family dog! That guy literally got high on Fido (do not try that at home).

I'd now like to share with you this great website I found the other day. It's basically a collection of lots of stupid/funny things people post on social networks, like facebook, twitter and yahoo answers. See for yourself.








Have a nice weekend.

IHOP on...

Alright, I have three hours of physics and psychology exams tomorrow to deal with (if you too have exams, check out how to beat exams with humour and cake), but this is just too good to miss.

(The scene: Cyberspace, over at Autostraddle. A discussion is taking place in the comments thread about IHOP resturants.)

Laura: Well, the IHOP closest to my house is on cox road. Which means that it’s IHOP on cox. Which is how they identify themselves when you call them. “Hello, IHOP on cox, how may I help you?” But I don’t know if that’s me just being 14.


If you happen to live near an IHOP, then they've got an all-you-can-eat pancake deal going on at the moment, and I am so jealous.

The Christmas Special

'Tis Christmas Eve (or actually Christmas already in some parts of the world), so here is my promised Christmas special. It snowed lots and lots in England recently, and one of the funnest things to do is bounce on a snow covered trampoline. But, as I was doing so, all these freaky weird lines formed across it, akin to the ooo-errness of a crop circle. Odd eh? At first I figured it was something to do with the ice and the tension, but now I'm not so sure...



Trampoline crop circle freakery.



Also, at the Brightman household, we had the annual 'Christmas tree discussion' (y'know, the one where you all put forward what you need from a tree and see how much it clashes with the rest of your family's opinions), and I suggested instead of a traditional evergreen, we opt for the palm tree (well, yucca tree) that we already own. It took some persuading, but check it, how awesomely wacky is our tree? Very contemporary, even if it does look like someone just barfed up decorations all over it.

Sorry, you're gonna have o tilt your head - it wouldn't let me rotate it.

(The scene: Sixth form area and Sophie is writing a class Christmas card for her english teacher.)

Sophie: Damnit!
All: What?
Sophie: I meant to write 'Happy Christmas' and it came out as 'Happy Birthday'! It's ruined.
Ab: Nah it's not - just write 'Jesus' at the end of it.


(The scene: SFA again, and the gang have just pulled crackers. Katie won a sheriff badge that she attempts to clip to the front of her low top.)

Katie: (Flounders and fails. Looks around the crowded room) Hadley! You're gay! Help me put this on my top!
Someone: So ignore all your straight female friends that actually have breasts then!


Obviously we need a quick Jesus reminder, even if we don't believe he was the son of God but still hope to get presents.



And there you have it folks. Merry Christmas from me. Don't get drunk and stab anyone with the turkey carving knife. Oh, and if it does snow again, I have searched far and wide for the ultimate snow music (that isn't troika) and have finally found it, so you can have the perfect snowy backing track. You're welcome.

How To Time Travel

Lots of sci-fi films, books and TV shows seem to centre around the idea of time travel (see Doctor Who for example), and they either rely on science hearsay (such as wormholes) or make something obscure up to explain how it actually happens. However, what is repeatedly overlooked is the sort of time travel that we achieve at least once every year.

What I'm talking about is putting the clocks back an hour, like we did yesterday/today(?). Think about it; it reaches the midnight of October 30th and the time suddenly jumps back an hour, allowing all humans to relive the 11th hour (ok, 23rd hour) free of charge and black holes. Therefore, if you make any mistakes in that hour, you get the opportunity to go back and correct them, and if someone asks what you're doing, just say the hour you messed up in technically has been replaced. I love that idea of messing with time!

Other ways to time travel in the modern world are:

1. Fly to a country that has a different time zone to yours, so you can experience time travel from the comfort (or 'comfort' if it's EasyJet) of an aeroplane seat, and not even feel different when you cross over the various time boundaries.
2. Post a package/letter to Australia, but tell the Post Office staff to send it to the future.
3. Be present when the clocks are put forward in Spring. It always annoys me how an hour is stolen from my life then, but I'm usually asleep so don't even notice.
4. I suppose you could argue that every moment you are alive is a form of time travel since we are continually progressing forward in time, so just by reading this, you have gone all Dr Who minus the Tardis!

If you have any more time related ideas, share them in the comments section where you don't need a google/blogger account or to be signed in to anything. Time is such a wide and fascinating concept, that I'll never do it justice in one post!

Memories and the Benefit of Forgetting

When I first heard that song ('Memories'), I thought it was great - melody-wise, and lyrically. Really deep sounding, y'know? Then of course, I found out it came from the musical 'Cats', and in a way, that ruined the song forever for me. This may be a totally bigoted thing to say, but I fond it a lot more profound when I thought humans were singing it!

But I digress. This post is all about memories as in the things you remember. One of my Internet colleagues who I'm very fond of and bug on twitter mentioned on her website about the beauty of memories, and I'd just like to escalate that here. Now, some of you will know that I am blessed with a particularly good memory (and that it is the key to my academic success rather than hard work), however, believe it or not, I do forget things on a regular basis, I just don't realize it. But there lies the gain in forgetting. If you remembered everything, you would not value the moments that make up your life, just take them for granted. But when I remember something I thought I'd lost, it feels like I've found another piece of myself in that day, moment, conversation I just got back. And it's golden in the way that only your own life can be to you. It's like finding a £20 note in a jacket pocket a year after leaving it there and not realizing you had it, except you never have to spend the memory, it's yours for life. Memories do not create the life we lead, but they help us reflect on it and, if they're good, make us smile. Rock on remembering folks.

Something else that has a good point is this PostSecret. It's funny too!

On the subject of how crap women's magazines are, Jezebel does an amusing breakdown of the lies they tell you over at http://jezebel.com/tag/cover-lies/.

Famous? Not Quite Ab!

Ahoy! Hope life's good for you all. I've got another set of snipets that should wind it's way to you tomorrow, but to fill the void in your blog-reading schedual, you should check out http://www.seventeenandout.blogspot.com/ which is new and run by Lauren who lives in the world's capital, New York. The tagline for it is 'A blog in which I offend everyone and don't really give a crap. It's gonna be awesome!!' The score currently stands at Karma 1, Lauren 0.

What's supercool is that Lauren mentioned her liking for my blog in her first post http://seventeenandout.blogspot.com/2010/09/greetings.html which a) I really appreciate, so thanks Lauren! and b) makes me feel satisfied cos I've produced something that someone else gets enjoyment from, which is one of my main blogging aims. If you, the readers, aren't liking what I write, then it sucks. Plus, now I feel like a celebrity (come on, I'm only 16) so if anyone else ever mentions me in a post, you will have my undying grattitude, so just let me know alright? Not that I expect everyone to go do a Lauren!
 
Another way to fill your blogging void is by reading my joint blog http://www.lifeinthesixth.blogspot.com/ - posting about our funny and interesting experiences in the sixth form has properly commenced now. Peace out!

Holy As Thou Art

Have you ever noticed that the countries where religion is most prevelent are usualy the countries with the most problems? (I'm excluding communist/facist countries in this as taking away or giving people religion forcefully obviously causes massive problems.) So, what's up with that? I'll give you a brief summery of my thoughts on the matter, and, as always, if you disagree, comment and share you point of view!

First up, maybe it's because there are so many agnostics and atheists in 'western' (excluding Ireland cos we allknow the Christian civil war rubbish continuing to happen there) countries? On a moral ground, I find the As to be generally more accepting of other people's choices, and the state choices. This is not to say that there are not many ignorant As - there are millions. However, generally they do not have as many matching objections to laws, wars, other beliefs relating to religion, which leads to better co-operation in society and makes it easier for a government to maintain control. I'm not saying that it makes the countries any better because those 'flexible morals' can lead to increased promiscuity for example, but more open and less clashing societies at least.

Or maybe we should thank the dying of fundementalist religious followers here in the west. They're still out there, but in nowhere near as many numbers as the past. Instead, liberal religious members are the main driving force, and these people are completely embracing and accepting of things that used to be hated, such as homosexuality and other religions. I think tolerance has a lot to do with having a functioning society, and places like Afganhistan and Israel lack that.

Or, you know, it could have nothing to do with religion at all!

Team Vampire Spoof!

Has everyone noticed the huge vampire tread the last couple of years? If you haven't, then a) lucky you, and b) where've you been? There are more films, crap TV shows, books, t-shirts revolving around vampires than ever before, except these vampires are a little removed from old-timers like Dracula. The new vamps on the block pout excesively and have constant relationship dramas that make us glad to be simple humans. Personally, I blame the 'Twilight' phenomenon for all that, so it's about time a proper spoof of it was made. Enter 'Vampires Suck'.

Now that is what I call a good trailer, none of that all tourtured angst and 'come hither Jacob, but oh nos, I'm already going out with Edward but still kinda love you' stuff in the official 'Twilight: Eclipse' trailer, which is totally untrue anyway as, in the books, Jacob is a right jerk. I hope the film shows in England cos I totally wanna see how far the camp werewolves get in their routine. And i really like Edward's hair.

Football Only Looks Gay, and Other Viewing Weirdness

All this talk and watching of the football (or soccer if you're American) World Cup has put me in mind of some odd sport-viewing behavior. For example, why do people scream advice to the players at the TV screen? Newsflash: they're not gonna hear you! I know the managers do it and the players don't often hear them due to attack of the vuvuzalas, but at least they're actually on the edge of the pitch.

Another favourite of mine is people who, after a player makes a mistake, claim that they 'would've made that shot!' Ummm, no, I very much doubt that as you are a portly middle-aged man who used to play football at school, not a Rich Young Thing who gets paid millions to hone their game skills. My mother, the football Grand Master herself, does this an awful lot, with a helping of her 'just kick it!' advice on the side.

Also, what's up with all the touching on and off the pitch? Previously homophobic men who keep the world at arms length, suddenly hugging, kissing and rolling around with each other in what can only be described as a homoerotic display, similar to wrestling. Dudes, keep continuity - either always be touch-happy, or never be!

The final thing (for now) is how people can get so wound up about something that really doesn't involve them. I can understand the players and the off-pitch teams caring deeply about what happens, but that's because they have an actual involvement in the game. Most supporters have never met any of the teams they support so strongly, so why do they act like their lives and happiness depend on the next game?

So, football's a crazy little world like most other things. Personally, I can't wait for the women's world cup that the facist right-wing patriachial media appears to continually oppress. A shout out to Brazil, whom I'm supporting, cos South American teams really own the game. Happy Viewing!

Phone Silliness

Have you ever noticed how people repeat themselves on the phone? I even do it myself, although I'm trying to stop. No, I'm not talking about retelling a story, or dragging up the same topic again (which I am completely guilty of, sorry Weenybop). I'm talking about the double greeting - saying hello (or equivalant) twice in a row. Observe this common start to a phone conversation if you don't get what I mean:

(Betty's phone starts to ring, so she stops doing her dance karate in her living room and picks it up)

Betty: Hello? (still hears the phone ringing so examines it) Oh silly me, I forgot to press the button again! (presses the button) Hello?
Daniel: Hey, it's me.
Betty: Oh hi. (Launches into the conversation)

See what I mean? Now, this brings us onto the important question - are two greetings really nessasary? Well, silly as they sound when you really listen to them, it appears they are nessasay as a) if you do not greet the person twice but leave a pause after they say hi to let them continue but they don't fill it so an awkward silence follows, this starts the conversation off in a bad way which is not good, and b) only people who are know by the answerer get two hellos - strangers are never greeted this way, so it afirms you status as know by them.

Also, another silly thing surrounding phones is the amount of people in the western world who are called Me. Seriously, I was going through all my phone messages the other night and I'd say at least 90% of the people on it were called Me. The stupid thing was, as people's voices sound different on the phone, I didn't have a clue who all the Mes alter egos were!

My Mother, the Football Lover

My mother appears to have had a slight personality change. I'm still monitoring the situation of course, but it's getting slightly worrying...

Profile: Ab's Mother - shy and retiring, the kind of woman who lives in skirts bought from charity shops or Marks and Spencer, hates computers, enjoys a small drink but has only ever been drunk once (was allegedly 'tricked' into it) and detests patriotism and watching team sports.

Now, bearing all this in mind, see how shocking her behavior of late has been:

• When England was playing a World Cup match the other night, she obsessively watched it (even though she doesn't know the rules of football. Yet) and refused to let me change the channel in the half time break because she wanted to listen to a bunch of middle-aged men analyse every pass to death.
• She watched the match whilst typing away on the laptop, which rather violates her one-screen-at-a-time rule.
• The day after, I caught her tipping her favourite type of wine down the sink, which would have counted as a sin to her before the craziness.
• She wore a pair of jeans for a whole day (jeans are the uncomfortable enemy in her book).

And if all this wasn't enough, she actually had a conversation about football with a stranger with a shop the other day. She came home all flushed with pride because of it. Oh dear...

The Mysterious 4-Sided Shape

Today was the momentous day of my GCSE maths exam (kind of a big deal apparently). I however, was concerned with more pressing issues than the questions on the paper and continually being distracted by all the Xs in my paper (see my last post 'How Anne's Ruined Maths' if you are unaware of the significance of those Xs). Yes indeedy, there were in fact more interesting things than the exam paper (a slight pause here to allow you to get your breathe back due to hyperventilating after reading such an outlandish statement), such as:

• Watching the invigilator who was so clinically obese  chunk-o that she couldn't fit between the rows of desks that we were working on, attempting to fit  between them and continually knocking into people's desks and causing their pens to role about.
• The bloke sitting in front of me who's trousers were just low enough so that every time he leaned forward to work, his butt crack looked at me through the small but perfectly placed hole in the back of his chair.
• Looking up at the ceiling of the sports hall (exam central) and counting the number of balls that are stuck amongst the rafters. A surprising amount actually - probably even enough to single-handedly supply the world cup with balls.
• Observing the invigilator who, every time he turned towards the far wall, would 'sneakily' wipe his nose on his sleeve, then turn back to the room again with a 'haha, I managed to pull off that booger-wipe nicely, and no-one saw' face. Considering he was in a room filled with over 300 people, that was dumber than when I couldn't spell my own first name at the front of the paper. Admittedly it is abhorrent and I'm loath to ever use it, but still!
• The invigilator who spent all the time I looked at her staring at another invigilator's chest. Now whether the object of staring had a hidden soup stain on her chest that the Starer was being OCDish about, or whether the starer was simply trying out an Anne-Lister-in-church move, I don't know. However, it was face to mammary glands for at least 30 minutes.

Another point of interest/entertainment was the remark I heard soon after we all got out of the exam hall:

Boy A: Does it still count as a triangle if it ended-up with 4 sides?
Boy B: Yeah, so long as all the angles added-up to 140 degrees.

I kid you not. Lets hope Friday's maths exam is quite as eventful as this one...

By the way, I have now included a reactions whatchamajig at the bottom of each blog - you can tick the boxes that apply, and if you want a bigger variety of choices, just let me know.

How Anne's Ruined Maths

Did anyone see 'The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister' the other night? Yes? No? If not, I highly recommend you check it out on BBC iplayer (there until monday) if you live in Britain. It was fantastic - Anne was such a rebel and Maxine Peake was in her element, bringing a wry touch of humour to the role. Anyway, I’ve just realised that Anne has ruined maths for me. Well, maybe more tainted it, but nevertheless, it is no longer a ‘clean’ subject.

Let me explain.

Anne Lister lived in the early 19th century, was a wealthy landowner, and all round pusher of social boundaries. Somehow, between all her wooing of various women, coal mining and education, she managed to write down 4 million words in her diary, most of which was in a code that was only recently properly deciphered. In her coded journals she always wrote an X to mean orgasm, which she appeared to have quite a lot of as she slept with many women in the 19th century. In maths, I have to constantly find what X equals - well now I know exactly what it means. And every time I see the letter X on a page in the GCSE exam on Monday, guess what I’m gonna (inadvertently) think of? Yeah, I'm pretty sure you've got it.

Apologies to anyone who I've now ruined maths for. Sorry, it was for entertainment purposes only.

Happy Road Signs

To everyone who had/has to work today after our lovely bank holiday, I found you a fabulous road sign that had been hacked:

Didn't like that? Try this defaced Stop sign. Someone had to do it.

For some silly reason, I always used to think it was 'stop in the neighbourhood'... I don't know eh. Anyway, I am far to shattered to write any more today due to the Anne Lister party last night and not getting to sleep until at least 6 in the morning. Adios!

Remember the iPad?

Everyone remember the good old iPad, and how it's name was particularly humerous for women? Yes? No? Just to be sure, I recomend you check out Mad TV's awsome iPad sketch - and the funny thing about it is that it was made way before the iPad was released.... obviously apple were running low on names when they checked it out.

So, after you've finished laughing at that, check out this awsome cover you can get for your iPad:

And check it out, you can also get it in red...

I know, priceless. And on the next silly gadget blog, we'll look at a disturbingly shaped mouse called the 'G-point'... that name almost says it all.

(Thanks a lot to Grace Chu of GraceTheSpot for finding these pictures.)