Stupid Things Charlotte's Said No. 213

(The scene: Lunchtime, and Ab, Katie, Abi and Hayley are all playing rock, paper, scissors with the lizard Spock expansion.)

Charlotte: What are you playing? Rock paper scissors?
Katie: Yeah, but a better version of it! See, in normal rock, paper, scissors, you'll get the same answer as your friend 70-80% of the time, but with the lizard Spock expansion, you have less chance of that happening.
Charlotte: (Confused) But surely that's not proper rock, paper, scissors though?
(Laughter)


Readers! I'm sorry it's been so long since last posting, but I'm hoping to break the 7000 hits mark today. These ASs exams (which I pronounce ass exams in my head because I am just that mature) are filling up my time and head-space. It sucks, but if they lead to better things in life as promised, I will not resent them. Good luck to all who have exams in the next month! Also, the lack of posting has been due to people not saying their usual amount of amusing things - I'm putting this down to exam stress or the fact that everyone suddenly got smarter by revising. Anyway, I aim to have a post detailing some of my unexpected campaigning stories for Yes to AV (it wasn't even much campaigning, yet got surprisingly eventful) up in the next few days, so check back then. Peace, and thanks for bearing with my lack of posting!

On Packages

(The scene: Two guys a few years below Ab are discussing bodies on the next table in the library.)

Guy 1: F*** me, I mean, what is the point of pubes?
Guy 2: I know right. You can set fire to them though, and they jump about.
Guy 1: Really?
Guy 2: Mmm, but don't light up while they're still attached to your balls or dick.
Guy 1: That's another thing, yeah. Are balls included as part of our (does air quotes) 'genetalia'?
(Brief pause)
Ab: (Leans across to them) Yeah, it's kind of a package deal.
(They don't get it)


Speaking of packages (but of a different kind, eh), another reason you should get a penpal is that the best ones send you thoughtful birthday presents that they've purchased and dealt with behind their parents' backs, and then send it to you via expensive airmail, all without abducting you because they know your address. Awesome, isn't it? The most annoying part of this arrangement is that I'm banned from openning it before my 17th birthday (31st  March, gifts much appreciated) and that is many days away. I'd post a picture of my package (hehe), but it's been taken away by my Mother as she does not trust me not to be tempted and open it. It has to be said, she is right not to. Peace.

This Is Why You Should Get a Penpal

Y'all know of my homegirl Lauren, right? Awesome penpal and blogger extraordinaire? Anyway, since this halfterm has lacked people saying dumb funny things (although it has been a good holiday), I thought I'd share with you a few of her funny moments.

(The scene: Cyberspace and Lauren is typing up ideas for an upcoming joint birthday bash for Kate (who's blog is well worth a visit, like Lauren's), 30th March, and Ab, 31st March.)

Lauren: England is 5 hours ahead of us, so we could have this massive blowjob with a webcam and everything at 7 at night on your birthday. I'm pretty sure that would work if Ab could stay up long enough.
Lauren: (re-reading after sending): Oh, damn!!! I meant blowout!!! Blowout, blowout, blowout!!!!!!!
Kate: Oh my gosh!!!! I just about pissed myself from laughing! Literally on the floor laughing. That made my night! Plus, my phone only sends me samples of messages when it tells me I have one and I got "we could have this massive blowjob". That was amazing!!!
Lauren: That's probably the most mortifying thing I have ever said and will ever say to anyone.


(The scene: Cyberspace another night, 5am GMT. Lauren is struggling to remember the password to her email account.)

Lauren: I know it was important to me and I know it had something to do with you but I can't remember the rest.
Ab: Phone then? (It was previously discussed that if Lauren forgot the password then they'd talk on the phone and have it remembered)
Lauren: Not my home one.
Ab: You can call me. Number will email you.
Lauren: Great. Let me just get into the email I can't remember the password to. *Sarcasm*
Ab: Oh yeah... I just sent it as well. For a smart person, sometimes not so much.


(The scene: Ab and Lauren are discussing how they are going to ruin their first times, assuming they get the chance to ruin them.)

Lauren: I'd say something awkward and kill the mood. It'd probably be something the other person could never recover from either like, "You smell like my mom" and then there would be intense therapy sessions for all involved.


(Also Lauren has Magic Boobs that act as black holes for possessions or produce stuff. Freaky stuff. The following show this skill.)
Lauren: Somehow my phone has disappeared.
(Pause)
Lauren: Never mind, I found it lodged between my bosoms. I don't know how it got there and I don't feel like questioning.

Lauren: I just took off my shirt and found a dollar in my cleavage. I have no clue how it got there. I had on a crew neck guy's T-shirt and a zip-up hoodie. There's no way I could have missed someone's hand going down my shirt and tucking a dollar bill in there.

That was a long post for you lovely readers as a sorry for not posting for a while. I'd like to take this oppotunity to thank the people who recently joined the facebook page for this blog too (www.facebook.com/fivepasttomorrow) as it's great that you enjoy reading. Peace!

It Pays to Eavesdrop

(The scene: Sunday evening, and Ab is reading but really eavesdropping on brother's phone call with Charlotte.)

(Talking from the phone)
Brother: (Incredulous) What?! You've been asleep since Friday?
(More talking from phone)
Brother: No, that's not called a lie-in, that's called a coma.

A Good Choice of Words

(The scene: Philosophy class, as ever)

Kellinator: What's the word, beginning with A that can sometimes cause big problems for the Atheist's trying to understand it?
(Tumbleweed and puzzled faces)
Abi: Abstinence?
Kellinator: Well I was going for altruism, but I suppose that one might too!


(The scene: Still philosophy, but another day. A slide is up on the screen saying 'intelligent design', 'teleological' and 'creation' among other things)

Kells: Ok, what word up there on the screen do you think is actually banned from school classrooms in several states of America?
(Class reads and ponders)
Elliot: Intelligent.
(Class cackles with racist laughter)


(The scene: 'The One Show' is on TV, and they are doing an investigation on the English dish, faggots and peas. Ab is reading, but lines from the TV keep floating over to her)

Presenter: Jay just can't get enough of those faggots!
(Ab sniggers)
Jay: So is it safe to say that faggots have made you the man you are today?
Man: Oh yes.
(More sniggering)

By the way, in case there was any doubt in your mind, it's not cool to use the word faggot unless it has been pre-approved by your boyfriend.

Snipets

(The scene: Latin class and Ab is falling asleep because of late night/early morning essay writing.)

Hot Rod: (Teaching) Now can anyone think of a word in english that begins with fug? (Slience) Ab?
Ab: (Jerks out of latin-free reverie) Urmm... (awkward pause in which Ab racks brain). I'm sorry, all I can think of is fugly.
(Class laughs as does Hot Rod)
Ab: (Thinks) Damn shouldn't've watched Mean Girls yesterday.


(The scene: Chemistry class, and the new unit on organic chemistry is being introduced)

Teacher: ...In fact, this course didn't used to be called organic chemistry, it used to be called 'Rings and Chains'.
Ab: Huh, sounds like marriage.
(Pause)
(Class gets it and laughs)


(The scene: Still chemistry, the Teacher is explaining how knowledge about chemistry works)

Teacher: It'll come eventually, but it really needs to be solid first.
Ab: (Chokes on pen lid)

*For all those who do AS chemistry, in your text book there's actually a molecule called 'butanal'. Maybe not funny now, so save it until a soul-destroying lesson and it really will be.


(The scene: Philosophy class and they are discussing whether intent matters in suicide, i.e, do accidents count?)

Someone: So what's it called then if I accidentally chop my own arm off?
Ab: A whoopsie!

Anne Summers is Long

(The scene: Sixth form common room at break time. The gang are discussing which shop Hayley's new trousers came from because she will not divulge.)

Hayley: Ok, fine. It's somewhere beginning with S...
(Various S shop names are guessed)
Megan: Sainsbury's?
Hayley: No. Keep guessing!
Louise: Anne Summers? (A lingerie and sex shop)
Ab: (Looking at the length of Hayley's trousers) Nah, they don't sell anything that long there.
(A pause in which the sex shop part is remembered)
Ab & Katie: (Look at each other with knowing smile, speak in unison) Well...
(Laughter)


While we're on the subject of sexual aids, I wish to bring to your attention a toy of the *drumroll* Twilight variety. No joke. Just click here for the juicy info (you can put it in the freezer for authentic coldness, and, even more hilariously, it sparkles). I hope it goes without saying that it is totally NSFW. Peace.

(By the way, NSFW means not suitable for work or any other populated place.)

Work Those Streets

(The scene: Philosophy class after Ab has finished playing and singing her 'Prostitute Song' (yet to be seriously named) on her ukulele.)

Ms Kelly: Well you've got their thoughts and their turmoil dead on. I used to work with some prostitutes once -
(Entire class gives weirded-out/confused look)
Ms Kelly: Not as one!


Talking of prostitutes, my Mum has started to refer to my little brother as my ho, which apart from being completely out of character, pretty much cracks me up every time.
For those of you interested to hear this 'insightful' song, or wishing to hear it again, it will soon be available to listen to on www.myspace.com/abbrightman and to download free or buy for charity off of http://www.abbrightman.bandcamp.com/ - I wouldn't bother visiting either of those sites right now though as there's currently nothing there. Peace.

...In Which Harry Isn't Human

(The scene: Philosophy class, and the group are discussing their definitions of death - stuff gets complicated.)

Harry: (Well known for saying things in philosophy that mess with our heads and give Cathy an aneurysm) I think that death is when no longer think rationally or are conscious.

(Much whispering about the problem of sleep between Ab and Cathy)
Ab: Well if that's true Harry, I die every night!
(Class laugh)


(Still in philosophy)

Harry: (In the midst of a discussion about humanity, spawned from his previous statement) Well I don't believe I'm human.
Cathy: (Incredulous) Wha... how can you not believe you're human?
Harry: Because I'm not.
(Class mutterings about this)
Harry: It's just... 'human' is so cliche!

Ah Harry, it just wouldn't be the same without him making us bang our heads against the table.

IHOP on...

Alright, I have three hours of physics and psychology exams tomorrow to deal with (if you too have exams, check out how to beat exams with humour and cake), but this is just too good to miss.

(The scene: Cyberspace, over at Autostraddle. A discussion is taking place in the comments thread about IHOP resturants.)

Laura: Well, the IHOP closest to my house is on cox road. Which means that it’s IHOP on cox. Which is how they identify themselves when you call them. “Hello, IHOP on cox, how may I help you?” But I don’t know if that’s me just being 14.


If you happen to live near an IHOP, then they've got an all-you-can-eat pancake deal going on at the moment, and I am so jealous.

Post-Christmas Snipets

Hey readers - did you all have great Christmases and New Years (if you're into that sorta thing)? I hope so. For the record, mine was rockin', although I had hoped to spend my Christmas day helping out in a soup kitchen or something, but there were either none open that day, or they refused to accept under 18s, so I was thwarted in that endevour. And you know what also sucks? I have some real A-level exams in about 10 days and I go back to school tomorrow. Good luck to anyone else who's got exams! Anyway, check out a few transcripts of the previous week and a bit.

(The scene: MK shopping centre, a few days before Christmas. Ab is standing near two women, one of whom is heavily pregnant)

Preggers: ...And I'm really hoping he'll be born on Christmas cos it'll save me doin' the turkey, and I won't have to spend time finking up a name for him.
Friend: Eh?
Preggers: Well I'll just call him Jesus won't I! Sure Darren will be fine with that, he's been to Church.


(The scene: Ab, Mum and Brother in the car, and Bro is explaining some weird American toys he's read about.)

Bro: They're all these stuffed animals, but with mental health disorders!
Ab & Mum: (Weird Yanks look)
Bro: No seriously! There's a manic-depressive snake, a bi-polar bear -
Mum: And how do they show these conditions in a stuffed toy?
Bro: Well they come with a description or their backgrounds, and I think the snake right, he's holding some medication in his hand.
Ab: Umm, snakes don't have hands!
Bro: (Realizes mistake, but is unwilling to accept it) Well this one did, alright!

(Actually they are German, you can check them out here. It's crazy. (Thanks to Lauren for the link)
(The scene: Boxing day morning, and Nan and Dad are drinking tea and recovering from Christmas with hyperactive children.)

(Silence)
Nan: So who's funeral was it yesterday?

I love that lady. For more information about Alzheimer's/dementia, or to support the research into a cure for it, please visit the Alzheimer's Society.

The Christmas Special

'Tis Christmas Eve (or actually Christmas already in some parts of the world), so here is my promised Christmas special. It snowed lots and lots in England recently, and one of the funnest things to do is bounce on a snow covered trampoline. But, as I was doing so, all these freaky weird lines formed across it, akin to the ooo-errness of a crop circle. Odd eh? At first I figured it was something to do with the ice and the tension, but now I'm not so sure...



Trampoline crop circle freakery.



Also, at the Brightman household, we had the annual 'Christmas tree discussion' (y'know, the one where you all put forward what you need from a tree and see how much it clashes with the rest of your family's opinions), and I suggested instead of a traditional evergreen, we opt for the palm tree (well, yucca tree) that we already own. It took some persuading, but check it, how awesomely wacky is our tree? Very contemporary, even if it does look like someone just barfed up decorations all over it.

Sorry, you're gonna have o tilt your head - it wouldn't let me rotate it.

(The scene: Sixth form area and Sophie is writing a class Christmas card for her english teacher.)

Sophie: Damnit!
All: What?
Sophie: I meant to write 'Happy Christmas' and it came out as 'Happy Birthday'! It's ruined.
Ab: Nah it's not - just write 'Jesus' at the end of it.


(The scene: SFA again, and the gang have just pulled crackers. Katie won a sheriff badge that she attempts to clip to the front of her low top.)

Katie: (Flounders and fails. Looks around the crowded room) Hadley! You're gay! Help me put this on my top!
Someone: So ignore all your straight female friends that actually have breasts then!


Obviously we need a quick Jesus reminder, even if we don't believe he was the son of God but still hope to get presents.



And there you have it folks. Merry Christmas from me. Don't get drunk and stab anyone with the turkey carving knife. Oh, and if it does snow again, I have searched far and wide for the ultimate snow music (that isn't troika) and have finally found it, so you can have the perfect snowy backing track. You're welcome.

Classy

(The scene: Ab, Brother and Mum are on the top deck of a bus to Bedford, and have just stopped at Kempston, a not so affluent area. Everywhere, save the roads, is covered in snow or brown slush.)

Mum: (Looking down to the busy street) Urh, I just hate seeing all that filth (with disgust) on the paths.
Brother: (Also looking down, noticing all the people) You mean snow filth, right?
Mum: (Sarcastic) No James, all those skanky people!


Come back in a day or two for my first ever Christmas special, with pictures of a trampoline crop circle and my... extremely unique Christmas tree, plus the holiday themed transcript or two.

And also, you should check out my mate Lauren's site because she has been blogging with a vengeance lately (all engaging funny stuff), and has awesome pictures of cakes and people getting hit in the face. Plus, I didn't get her a Birthday or a Christmas present (unless I can think of something that'll travel 8,000 miles in 3 days), so this can be a substitute.

Jesus, Hood-Rats and The Vacuum Party

Ahoy readers, I've got a variety post for you tonight. Firstly, I was in church today practicing my job as a candle lighter in tomorrow's annual Christmas church service (me, Megan and Katie form the Candle Crew, and we're gonna try not to set light to anything and I'm gonna try not to swagger down the church isle), and I saw a banner on the wall that reminded me of last year's service when I was immature and in year 11. Me and Katie were sitting next to each other, and during either one of the silent prayers or the speeches, one of us noticed the said banner that read 'Come Jesus, Come'. Well, the overtly sexual connotation in that made us completely double up with suppressed laughter as it was so not the place for that sort of thing and we were a) crude and b) immature. Well it's funny to me now, so I guess I'm still all those things.

(The scene: Sixth form area and Ab, Katie, Louise and Ashleigh are 'working' when Lou comes out with a really harsh and unexpected comment.)

Ashleigh: Urrgh, I've failed.
Louise: So did your Mum's abortion!
(Shock and laughter)
Louise: I've been waiting all day to say that (devious smile).


(The scene: Still the SFA, but later. Megan has arrived, all attempts at work have ended and Katie is showing off her new word.)
Katie: (To Megan) Hood-rat. You're like vermin, but clothed.

On a musical note, I discovered a really awesome artist the other day that you too might like. She's called Emily and runs a one woman band (i.e. she writes all the instrumental and vocal parts, records and engineers them) named 'The Vacuum Party'. Currently her newest song 'Undertow' (or 'Across the Sea' as it appears in the second music player) is one of my favourite discoveries, so have a listen and see if she rocks your boat. There are two versions of it, and personally I like the second version best. This first version is taken from her musical tumblr.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

This second one comes from her myspace profile. After you've heard Undertow/Across the Sea on there, check out her other stuff, it's all pretty cool and a great variety of styles. Her music will be available to purchase here. Rock on.

Family Life Snipets

Luckily I get on really well with my family - I'm close with all of them despite not living with my Dad, and we all have a good laugh (and some fabulous arguments). The following transcripts are just a few conversations we've had the past couple of days. I'll spare you the one with the Karma Sutra in Waterstones though!

(The scene: Ab and Brother are shoving each other, and Ab accidentally elbows Bro's crotch-groin area.)

Bro: (Howling in melodramatic pain) Ahhh, my one-oh-one!

Ab: (Confused) One-oh-one? Surely you mean oh-one-oh?
Bro: (Thinks about it) Oh yeah...
Ab: Zactly, cos one-oh-one would mean you had two penises and only one ball, which would be a bit awkward to fit into speedos I'm thinking.
Bro: Penii (pronounced pee-nye).
Ab: Huh?
Bro: Penii, that's the er, plural for penis!


(The scene: Ab is lying on her back dealing with hic-ups, and Bro comes in to dish out his solution.)

Bro: Y'know, there's only one proven way of getting rid of hic-ups.
Mum: What is it?

Bro: (Dead serious) Stick a finger up your crack and wiggle it around.

Mum: Where on earth did you hear that?

Bro: QI! (Note - QI is a British television programme where they review various popular beliefs surrounding history and science, and correct them.)

Ab: And who said that then, Stephen Fry? (Note - Stephen Fry presents QI and is an out and proud gay man. No way was this intended as homosexual slander, merely an amusing thought.)

(Ab and Mum laugh)

Bro: (Doesn't get it.)

(The scene: Ab has just arrived at Nan's house to meet Dad and go see Harry Potter (again). Dad opens the door.)

Ab: (Crap fake gangsta voice) Wasup ma ho*!
Dad: (Uber British accent) Your 'ho'? Do you think that's an acceptable thing to call your father?
Ab: (To Bro, deliberately inflammatory) Oooh, ma ho is gettin' angry.
Nan: (Prepare your inner old lady voice) Wassat you're calling him? Your ho?
Dad: A ho as in a whore as in a prostitute.
Nan: That's nice. I knew one of them once. Another life. (Drifts off)
(Ab, Dad and Bro all look at each other in an overtly quizzical manner.)
(Note - she never did know one of them)

*Next year I'm planning an online fundraising activity to aid the poor women that sell themselves for sex because they believe there's no other choice, and you guys can help out without it costing you in time or money (that's the beauty of it). More on that in 2011...

'It Just Came Out!'

Sorry it's been a while, I'm swamped with mock exams and essays, plus a song-writing fury on my guitar the other day - can't stop the creative flow once it gets going! Anyway, I'll be back to normal soon, and my brother just said this little gem:

(The scene: Brother has spent the day playing the 'your face' game (the one where you add 'your face' on to the end of practically every sentence someone says) and is sitting at the table as prudish mother asks him yet again to tidy up the lounge.)

Mum: (Exasperated) Come on!

Brother: Come on your face.

(Shocked pause)

(Face morphs into that of the picture, but with more anger on mum's part)

Brother: Oh my God. I'm sorry, I didn't think!

Ab: (Amused, looking up from paper) People actually do that y'know.

Brother: I know, it just came out -

Ab: That's what he said!

Nice. Oh, and thanks for visiting this blog last month, it got nearly 1500 monthly hits, so keep it up guys! Also, did you hear about the Five Past Tomorrow facebook group? Never forget the blog address again. Peace.

Snipets From the Philosophy Conference

(The scene: Bus back from the Cambridge philosophy conference, and Ab, Cathy and Abi are chatting before later being sucked into a political poppy discussion.)

Ab: It's really weird, but at the moment, everyone in my family's feet are a size 8.
Cathy: (Interested) Oh really? What size are yours then?
Ab: (Pause, eyes flicker from side to side) 8.
Cathy: (Pause. Gets it.)
(Everyone laughs)


(The scene: At the awesome philosophy conference and Peter Vardy (world renowned philosopher and great speaker) is giving the lecture. He is just discussing whether, if humans were immortal, we would be able to give up our immortality.)

Vardy: (Uses a picture of Aragorn and Awen from 'Lord of the Rings' to illustrate his point) You see, this woman (gestures to Awen) was able to give up her elvin immortality because she loves this woman (gestures to Aragorn).
(Ab and Abi silently crack-up due to the gender mix-up and gaying up of LOTR.)
(No-one else in the room appears to have noticed.)

Snipets

(The Scene: First Sunday of half-term, and Dad is asking Ab what she's doing all week so they can plan a day to hang out.)

Dad: Well how about coming to Duxford with me and James one day?
Ab: I dunno, I'm really busy so I might not be able to fit that in anywhere.
Dad: Busy? What are you doing tomorrow then?
Ab: (In her expressionless, blank voice) Tomorrow is a free day.
Dad: (Laughing) And the day after?
Ab: I have a phone call to make.
Dad: Woah, tough schedule!


(The scene: On the bus back from Bedford, Ab is eavesdropping on a mother and son of about 8 sitting behind her.)

Son: (Singing tunelessly) No hope and shattered dreams, shattered dreams, shattered dreams. (Not singing, thoughtful) Do you have shattered dreams Mummy?
Mum: Well it's not on my iPod.

Omar seriously has an awesome afro.

(The scene: Psychology class, and everyone is chatting. Miss O'Callahan is up the other side of the room when Omar's phone goes off.)

Omar: Hello, hello?
(Everyone gradually goes silent)
Omar: Oh hi man...
(Miss O'Callahan then stares at Omar with an amused look on her face)
Omar: (Uncomfortable) Yeah, well you see it's a bit awkward now as I'm in the middle of a lesson. See ya.
(Class cracks up)

Narcotics and Cake

(Actually, this one takes place on the interweb. Group email about Megan's birthday (TODAY - HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGSTER) party on Saturday. She has just broken the news that there will be a bit of alcohol present, and people are faux panicking.)

[Message] 

Megan: You don't need to drink it, there'll be other stuff, and coke...

[New Message]
Megan: (Worried by the mention of coke in conjunction with a group discussion or narcotics) As in the drink!


(Philosophy as ever, and Megan is cutting the cake that is for her birthday (we exchange birthday cakes in philosophy) very slowly, and into 13 pieces.)

(Ab and Cathy are staring slack-jawed at the cake and have been this way for several minutes now. All else ceases to matter apart from the gooey chocolate cake that Megan is being so particular about. Both realize they are in a trance, snap out of it at the same time and look at each other.)
Ab: (Grins) It's so hypnotic.
Cathy: (Smiles guiltily)

I just realized that 'Narcotics and Cake' sounds like some sort of baking drugsfest, akin to the one in Skins series 3. Don't worry, I'm nothing like that. Observe my tweet this morning: (Anyone have twitter? Follow or drop me a line @AbBrightman)

What Happens in Philosophy...

We seem to laugh a lot in philosophy, and I write about things said in it quite a lot, so it's got its own post today! Here's some funny things said recently:

(The Scene: Philosophy class, and we are discussing the transcendent realm (heaven). Lucy is verbalising this tricky problem.)

Lucy: I mean, it's beyond time and all, but where is it?
Matt: Well, you go up the M1, take the third junction...
(Class laugh)

(Still philosophy, but in the break. Ab and Cathy are discussing Cathy's medical student plans at university.)

Ab: You know how they give you a body to work on? Well I was thinking, how funny would it be if you -
Cathy: (Aghast) Got someone I know!
Ab: Yeah, exactly!
Cathy: Oh no, that wouldn't be funny at all. My Grandparents want to donate their body to medical science!

(Beginning of philosophy, and Ab is questioning Matt's Super Dry t-shirt)

Ab: I don't get it, what does Super Dry even mean?
Kellywoman: Nothing, it's just a brand.
Matt: Yeah! What does (gets up to look at what's written on Ab's top. See's it says Oxford University. His point disappears.)
(Class laugh)


Oh, by the way, I set up a Five Past Tomorrow facebook page at the weekend, so if you want to show your appreciation for this blog, like it please! When I get 25 people, I can get a fancy username too.