This Is Why You Should Get a Penpal

Y'all know of my homegirl Lauren, right? Awesome penpal and blogger extraordinaire? Anyway, since this halfterm has lacked people saying dumb funny things (although it has been a good holiday), I thought I'd share with you a few of her funny moments.

(The scene: Cyberspace and Lauren is typing up ideas for an upcoming joint birthday bash for Kate (who's blog is well worth a visit, like Lauren's), 30th March, and Ab, 31st March.)

Lauren: England is 5 hours ahead of us, so we could have this massive blowjob with a webcam and everything at 7 at night on your birthday. I'm pretty sure that would work if Ab could stay up long enough.
Lauren: (re-reading after sending): Oh, damn!!! I meant blowout!!! Blowout, blowout, blowout!!!!!!!
Kate: Oh my gosh!!!! I just about pissed myself from laughing! Literally on the floor laughing. That made my night! Plus, my phone only sends me samples of messages when it tells me I have one and I got "we could have this massive blowjob". That was amazing!!!
Lauren: That's probably the most mortifying thing I have ever said and will ever say to anyone.


(The scene: Cyberspace another night, 5am GMT. Lauren is struggling to remember the password to her email account.)

Lauren: I know it was important to me and I know it had something to do with you but I can't remember the rest.
Ab: Phone then? (It was previously discussed that if Lauren forgot the password then they'd talk on the phone and have it remembered)
Lauren: Not my home one.
Ab: You can call me. Number will email you.
Lauren: Great. Let me just get into the email I can't remember the password to. *Sarcasm*
Ab: Oh yeah... I just sent it as well. For a smart person, sometimes not so much.


(The scene: Ab and Lauren are discussing how they are going to ruin their first times, assuming they get the chance to ruin them.)

Lauren: I'd say something awkward and kill the mood. It'd probably be something the other person could never recover from either like, "You smell like my mom" and then there would be intense therapy sessions for all involved.


(Also Lauren has Magic Boobs that act as black holes for possessions or produce stuff. Freaky stuff. The following show this skill.)
Lauren: Somehow my phone has disappeared.
(Pause)
Lauren: Never mind, I found it lodged between my bosoms. I don't know how it got there and I don't feel like questioning.

Lauren: I just took off my shirt and found a dollar in my cleavage. I have no clue how it got there. I had on a crew neck guy's T-shirt and a zip-up hoodie. There's no way I could have missed someone's hand going down my shirt and tucking a dollar bill in there.

That was a long post for you lovely readers as a sorry for not posting for a while. I'd like to take this oppotunity to thank the people who recently joined the facebook page for this blog too (www.facebook.com/fivepasttomorrow) as it's great that you enjoy reading. Peace!

A Good Choice of Words

(The scene: Philosophy class, as ever)

Kellinator: What's the word, beginning with A that can sometimes cause big problems for the Atheist's trying to understand it?
(Tumbleweed and puzzled faces)
Abi: Abstinence?
Kellinator: Well I was going for altruism, but I suppose that one might too!


(The scene: Still philosophy, but another day. A slide is up on the screen saying 'intelligent design', 'teleological' and 'creation' among other things)

Kells: Ok, what word up there on the screen do you think is actually banned from school classrooms in several states of America?
(Class reads and ponders)
Elliot: Intelligent.
(Class cackles with racist laughter)


(The scene: 'The One Show' is on TV, and they are doing an investigation on the English dish, faggots and peas. Ab is reading, but lines from the TV keep floating over to her)

Presenter: Jay just can't get enough of those faggots!
(Ab sniggers)
Jay: So is it safe to say that faggots have made you the man you are today?
Man: Oh yes.
(More sniggering)

By the way, in case there was any doubt in your mind, it's not cool to use the word faggot unless it has been pre-approved by your boyfriend.

Snipets

(The scene: Latin class and Ab is falling asleep because of late night/early morning essay writing.)

Hot Rod: (Teaching) Now can anyone think of a word in english that begins with fug? (Slience) Ab?
Ab: (Jerks out of latin-free reverie) Urmm... (awkward pause in which Ab racks brain). I'm sorry, all I can think of is fugly.
(Class laughs as does Hot Rod)
Ab: (Thinks) Damn shouldn't've watched Mean Girls yesterday.


(The scene: Chemistry class, and the new unit on organic chemistry is being introduced)

Teacher: ...In fact, this course didn't used to be called organic chemistry, it used to be called 'Rings and Chains'.
Ab: Huh, sounds like marriage.
(Pause)
(Class gets it and laughs)


(The scene: Still chemistry, the Teacher is explaining how knowledge about chemistry works)

Teacher: It'll come eventually, but it really needs to be solid first.
Ab: (Chokes on pen lid)

*For all those who do AS chemistry, in your text book there's actually a molecule called 'butanal'. Maybe not funny now, so save it until a soul-destroying lesson and it really will be.


(The scene: Philosophy class and they are discussing whether intent matters in suicide, i.e, do accidents count?)

Someone: So what's it called then if I accidentally chop my own arm off?
Ab: A whoopsie!

Post-Christmas Snipets

Hey readers - did you all have great Christmases and New Years (if you're into that sorta thing)? I hope so. For the record, mine was rockin', although I had hoped to spend my Christmas day helping out in a soup kitchen or something, but there were either none open that day, or they refused to accept under 18s, so I was thwarted in that endevour. And you know what also sucks? I have some real A-level exams in about 10 days and I go back to school tomorrow. Good luck to anyone else who's got exams! Anyway, check out a few transcripts of the previous week and a bit.

(The scene: MK shopping centre, a few days before Christmas. Ab is standing near two women, one of whom is heavily pregnant)

Preggers: ...And I'm really hoping he'll be born on Christmas cos it'll save me doin' the turkey, and I won't have to spend time finking up a name for him.
Friend: Eh?
Preggers: Well I'll just call him Jesus won't I! Sure Darren will be fine with that, he's been to Church.


(The scene: Ab, Mum and Brother in the car, and Bro is explaining some weird American toys he's read about.)

Bro: They're all these stuffed animals, but with mental health disorders!
Ab & Mum: (Weird Yanks look)
Bro: No seriously! There's a manic-depressive snake, a bi-polar bear -
Mum: And how do they show these conditions in a stuffed toy?
Bro: Well they come with a description or their backgrounds, and I think the snake right, he's holding some medication in his hand.
Ab: Umm, snakes don't have hands!
Bro: (Realizes mistake, but is unwilling to accept it) Well this one did, alright!

(Actually they are German, you can check them out here. It's crazy. (Thanks to Lauren for the link)
(The scene: Boxing day morning, and Nan and Dad are drinking tea and recovering from Christmas with hyperactive children.)

(Silence)
Nan: So who's funeral was it yesterday?

I love that lady. For more information about Alzheimer's/dementia, or to support the research into a cure for it, please visit the Alzheimer's Society.

Family Life Snipets

Luckily I get on really well with my family - I'm close with all of them despite not living with my Dad, and we all have a good laugh (and some fabulous arguments). The following transcripts are just a few conversations we've had the past couple of days. I'll spare you the one with the Karma Sutra in Waterstones though!

(The scene: Ab and Brother are shoving each other, and Ab accidentally elbows Bro's crotch-groin area.)

Bro: (Howling in melodramatic pain) Ahhh, my one-oh-one!

Ab: (Confused) One-oh-one? Surely you mean oh-one-oh?
Bro: (Thinks about it) Oh yeah...
Ab: Zactly, cos one-oh-one would mean you had two penises and only one ball, which would be a bit awkward to fit into speedos I'm thinking.
Bro: Penii (pronounced pee-nye).
Ab: Huh?
Bro: Penii, that's the er, plural for penis!


(The scene: Ab is lying on her back dealing with hic-ups, and Bro comes in to dish out his solution.)

Bro: Y'know, there's only one proven way of getting rid of hic-ups.
Mum: What is it?

Bro: (Dead serious) Stick a finger up your crack and wiggle it around.

Mum: Where on earth did you hear that?

Bro: QI! (Note - QI is a British television programme where they review various popular beliefs surrounding history and science, and correct them.)

Ab: And who said that then, Stephen Fry? (Note - Stephen Fry presents QI and is an out and proud gay man. No way was this intended as homosexual slander, merely an amusing thought.)

(Ab and Mum laugh)

Bro: (Doesn't get it.)

(The scene: Ab has just arrived at Nan's house to meet Dad and go see Harry Potter (again). Dad opens the door.)

Ab: (Crap fake gangsta voice) Wasup ma ho*!
Dad: (Uber British accent) Your 'ho'? Do you think that's an acceptable thing to call your father?
Ab: (To Bro, deliberately inflammatory) Oooh, ma ho is gettin' angry.
Nan: (Prepare your inner old lady voice) Wassat you're calling him? Your ho?
Dad: A ho as in a whore as in a prostitute.
Nan: That's nice. I knew one of them once. Another life. (Drifts off)
(Ab, Dad and Bro all look at each other in an overtly quizzical manner.)
(Note - she never did know one of them)

*Next year I'm planning an online fundraising activity to aid the poor women that sell themselves for sex because they believe there's no other choice, and you guys can help out without it costing you in time or money (that's the beauty of it). More on that in 2011...

Snipets From the Philosophy Conference

(The scene: Bus back from the Cambridge philosophy conference, and Ab, Cathy and Abi are chatting before later being sucked into a political poppy discussion.)

Ab: It's really weird, but at the moment, everyone in my family's feet are a size 8.
Cathy: (Interested) Oh really? What size are yours then?
Ab: (Pause, eyes flicker from side to side) 8.
Cathy: (Pause. Gets it.)
(Everyone laughs)


(The scene: At the awesome philosophy conference and Peter Vardy (world renowned philosopher and great speaker) is giving the lecture. He is just discussing whether, if humans were immortal, we would be able to give up our immortality.)

Vardy: (Uses a picture of Aragorn and Awen from 'Lord of the Rings' to illustrate his point) You see, this woman (gestures to Awen) was able to give up her elvin immortality because she loves this woman (gestures to Aragorn).
(Ab and Abi silently crack-up due to the gender mix-up and gaying up of LOTR.)
(No-one else in the room appears to have noticed.)

Snipets

(The scene: Ab, Abi, Amy and Louise are sitting in the library, 'working'. Abi is discussing her future plans...)

Abi: ...and then I want to get a business MBA.
Amy: Basketball?
Ab: No, that's the NBA!


(The scene: Ab and Mum in the kitchen getting stuff ready for tea.)

Ab: (Looking in the fridge) Mum, I can't see the mayonnaise anywhere.
Mum: (Knowing that Ab is a notoriously bad looker) Try the bottom shelf.
Ab: (Quickly scans it) Nope, not there.
Mum: It is! I swear it on my Mother life.
(Both hunt around for it on the bottom shelf, until it is spied a few selves up.)
Ab: Y'know, this is probably the only time it'll ever be good that your Mother's already dead. Just never swear on my life, alright?


(The scene: Lunchtime, and Sophie and Katie are discussing the recent history test, and Ab and Abi are on-looking.)

Sophie: You had to do two questions didn't you? Which did you do?
Katie: Three.
(Ab and Abi crack up with the stupidity.)
Katie: No, it's not how it sounds!


Sorry for the gap in posting folks - I've just had such a busy week due to a philosophy essay, and a weekend that was chock of activities. Expect a post soon detailing the failure of one of those activities, possibly with cartoons if I can get paint to work for me!

Snipets

(The Scene: First Sunday of half-term, and Dad is asking Ab what she's doing all week so they can plan a day to hang out.)

Dad: Well how about coming to Duxford with me and James one day?
Ab: I dunno, I'm really busy so I might not be able to fit that in anywhere.
Dad: Busy? What are you doing tomorrow then?
Ab: (In her expressionless, blank voice) Tomorrow is a free day.
Dad: (Laughing) And the day after?
Ab: I have a phone call to make.
Dad: Woah, tough schedule!


(The scene: On the bus back from Bedford, Ab is eavesdropping on a mother and son of about 8 sitting behind her.)

Son: (Singing tunelessly) No hope and shattered dreams, shattered dreams, shattered dreams. (Not singing, thoughtful) Do you have shattered dreams Mummy?
Mum: Well it's not on my iPod.

Omar seriously has an awesome afro.

(The scene: Psychology class, and everyone is chatting. Miss O'Callahan is up the other side of the room when Omar's phone goes off.)

Omar: Hello, hello?
(Everyone gradually goes silent)
Omar: Oh hi man...
(Miss O'Callahan then stares at Omar with an amused look on her face)
Omar: (Uncomfortable) Yeah, well you see it's a bit awkward now as I'm in the middle of a lesson. See ya.
(Class cracks up)

Snipets of Louise's Day

(The scene: Registration and Ab and Louise are discussing a new type of salt ad vinegar crisp.)

Ab: When you suck it, it actually gets pretty sweet.
Lou: Well I never suck and swallow, I just... bite.
Ab: Nice. (Grins)


(The scene: Sixth form common room and Ab an Louise are high-fiveing.)

(Palms smack)
Lou: Owwww! (Indignant) That hurt!
Ab: Man, you're a cissy. That so wasn't hard!
Lou: Come on then, give me a hard one.
Ab:(Incredulous over this unexpected jem) Give you a hard one? (What is this, a porno?)
(Laughter)


(The scene: SFC and Louise and Katie are spoiling us with an overabundance of 'your face' jokes. As I'm not sure exactly who said which one, they will have to stake their claims in the comments section.)

Someone: (When a certain face is seen) Ahhhh, my eyes!

Someone: (Pointing at a face) Omg, it's a UFO -
Both: Ugly Face Overload!


It has, sadly, taken me this long to realize that I've been spelling 'Snipets' wrong all this time as it's actually supposed to read 'Snippets' as you my have guessed. Oddly enough, no-one told me of that blunder! However, even though it is probably really bad SEO (search engine optimisation - how google sorts through articles on the web when you you search for something such as 'Five Past Tomorrow') I don't think I'll change it. Unless it really offends you of course.

Snipets and Ab Opens Up For Once

(The scene: Chemistry class, Ab and Em are discussing The Future with the girls in front on them.)

Abi: ...I'm gonna become a consultant and earn £200,000 a year, then I'm gonna set-up my own consultant business and get £200 an hour.
Em: (In awe) Wow, you've got your whole life mapped out - I don't even know what I want to do this weekend!


(The scene: Philosophy class, the beginning.)

Cathy: (To Ab) I made cookies! (In philosophy we have this tradition where we bake tasty stuff and drink tea) I found this new recipe, and it said it made 10 cookies. Well, because there's more of us than that, I doubled it and it made 60!
Ab: (Really hopes Cathy bought all the cookies in because Ab knows that Cathy's baking is fabulous).

(The Scene: Wootton Upper School Open Evening, and Ab has finished giving guided tours. In a vociferous mood, she bounds up to the English department where Emma (year above, odd kind of stranger but also not really. A conundrum for the autistic me!) was helping out, determined to tell her she looked ace that evening (she was wearing a tailored suit, and girls in suits are ignored by society because they look so classy)).

Ab: (Striding into the room with what was either a really arrogant swagger, or a silly stiff-limbed walk.)(Comes to a standstill in front of Emma, probably invades her personal space) Excuse me.
Emma: Hello. (Intrigued)
Ab: (Sincere) Emma, you look really great tonight. I read once that it's better to give a compliment than not to, just to avoid looking awkward and stupid, so I'm adopting that philosophy today!
Emma: Oh, well, thanks. (Smiles, pleasantly surprised)
Ab: (Does something goofy) Goodbye. (Pivots and exits. Walk probably resembles a crab, but forwards.) (Realises that it totally looked as if she was coming on to Emma in front of an audience.)

Ok, maybe you don't think that the last one is that funny. However, it does prove several points: a) women in suits look good, b) I am secretly a nice person, although it is often strangely overlooked, and c) I have been known to be awkward once in a while. But never embarrassed. Rock on.

Are We Not Mature?

This September, me and most of my friends joined the sixth form, which is for 16-18 year olds at school, and is meant to be a really mature section of our teenage lives. Turns out it's not.


(The Scene: Ab and Katie are hanging out, discussing The Very Important Topic of Katie's lip balm use.)

Ab: ...and I hate that thing that happens with lip balm, where you dig it out and it all gets under your fingernails. (Pause for tortured grimace accompanied by horrendous childhood memories of vaseline usage that, according to Fraud, will be Ab's undoing) Why don't you just use a chapstick?
Katie: Well, I would but I prefer to use my finger.
Ab: Dude! (Look at each other then completely crack up.)


(The Scene: Ab, Katie and Brother are sitting round a table, discussing euphemisms.)

Ab: Well I think that we should try and say at least one a day, just to keep some humour in our lives even if we do become buried under work.
Katie: Yeah, yeah, we totally should.
Brother: (Pondering) Only one? I don't think that'll be very hard. (See what he did there?)
(Laughter)


(The scene: Sixth form common room and Ab, Katie and Louise have put hula hoops on the ends of their fingers and are making them dance on the table.)

Louise: (Gets neurotic about hygiene issues bought up by the dirty table, so moves to a cleaner stage. Makes her hula fingers do the can-can.)
Ab: (Fingers strut around to 'River Dance' and such like.)
Katie: (Hula hoops are singing.)
Ab: (Pause) Wow guys. And we're in sixth form as well!


You can keep up with our sixth form lives over at http://www.lifeinthesixth.blogspot.com/. I try not to blog too much about my personal life on this site to keep you free from bordom, but if you ever wonder if we grow up a little, that's where to head. Peace out.

Snipets

(Physics class, and Teacher is directing the students about the experiment they are about to do that tests different liquids out of the selection available.)

Teacher: (Holding a small cup) ...And then you can fill this up with your chosen fluid. (Pauses) Ah, you know what, I just realised how bad that sounded. (Oddly the class gives her the silent treatment)


(Extended Project qualification. The assignment was to create a presentation telling people how to give a good presentation, which provided some great ironies as the best people to ask to give a good presentation are generally not 16/17 year olds, unless they have an uncanny amount of confidence like Ab. The first group is just on their first 'what not to do' point.)

Girl: (Slide reads 'Do not read from the slides'.) Don't - (Goes to read from the slide then realises the total hypocrissy of this. Everyone cracks-up good naturedly.)


(Philosophy and Cathy is listing Finis' '7 Basic Goods'.)

Cathy: ...play, knowledge, aesthetic experience (beauty)... Finis says that is any of these goods are not met, then the person is not living a fulfilled life.
Megan: So does that mean if you're ugly, you fail?
Ab: Huh? Where'd you get that from?
Megan: Cathy said beauty!

Snipets

As I, Ab Brightman, have now returned to school, people around me are once again saying funny/clever/stupid things, which means that Daily Snipets can be resumed.

(Philosophy class, during group work. Teacher is talking to Ab about her brother being in one of her classes this school year.)

Ab: (Smirking, confident and jesting) He looks nothing like me y'know - I got all the gorgeous genes in the family.
(Mass laughter)
Cathy: (Sarcastic, under her breath) And obviously all the modest ones too.

(Sixth form common room, discussing the day.)

Charl: ...And then I forgot what the date was today.
Ab: (Incredulous) But it's your birthday!
Katie: Oh, it's alright Charlotte, I did that last year on mine.

Snipets

(Physics class, and everyone is just filling out forms to do with their exams. There is a box where you have to write your name, and Harry, fool that he is, asks Ab and Alex...)
Harry: Have I spelt my name wrong? (This is after he spelt the name of his own school and village wrong, so it was entirely probable.)
Ab: Let me have a look. (Takes the form, scans it quickly, and passes it back to Harry) Yeah you have; you missed out 'Dickhead'.

Disclaimer: Rudeness is acceptable in the case of Harry as he has made many racist, sexual and plain rude remarks to Alex. Also, Kirsten laughed and she has a great moral compass.

(Lunchtime, and the gang are discussing birthday presents.)
Megan: What I really want to to is make someone a cake with Winning Swim Team '93 on it, and little sperm next to it.
(The gang laughs except Lydia.)
Lydia: I don't get it.
(Some group members are about to explain when they become sidetracked reminicing the time when Louise proclaimed that she was 'half a sperm'.)
(A pause)
Lydia: Oh I get it! (laughs)

(Philosophy class, and everyone is eating cakes and drinking tea, as per norm Kirsten. They're nearing to the end of the giant plate of cakes they each have, so people are starting to feel quite full.)
Cathy: (Turns to Ab) And you know what the worst thing is? When I get home it's my Mother's birthday, and I've baked her a cake that we'll eat and we were going to have afternoon tea, the most important meal of the day, but now I'm all full up so I might not have enough room for it all! (Said the poor little white girl - ed)
Ab: Well Cathy, if that's the worst thing, then I'd say your life is pretty darn great!

(English class, discussing something completely unrelated to sexuality.)
Jonny: Oh, I like a bit of both.

Snipets

(Ab, Katie and Louise are just discussing crying and how pets react to it, when Louise comes up with this real gem.)
Louise: I was pretending to cry the other day because my sister wouldn't let me have a go on her (starts to trail off because she realises how stupid this is gonna sound) Tamagotchi...
(Mass laughter.)
(Note: A Tamagotchi is a small hand-held toy where you try and keep a little blog creature alive, and is marketed towards 8 year olds. Louise is almost 16.)

(Ab is walking home from school, just ahead of two girls whose conversation Ab is eavesdropping on paying polite attention too.)
Girl A: Well seahorse societies really aren't at all patriarchal.
Girl B: Yeah, cos the men have to carry the babies.

(Ab and Mum are in their driveway, and Ab is staring at the opposite neighbours as Mum unlocks the car doors.)
Ab: Oooh mum, there's a new car in the lane.
Mum: (Doing a fabulous impression of a meercat) Where?
Ab: That silver one that Gitface has just got into. I spotted it yesterday.
Mum: (Spots the aforementioned car.)
(A pause where Ab looks at Mum eagerly.)
Mum: They've had that car for at least two years now.
Ab: Oh.

Snipets #2

(Ab and her Nan are sitting on Nan's sofa, just watching the gardener. No-one has spoken for a few minutes until...)
Nan: (Speaking profoundly) So it's been a week then.
(A pause)
Ab: (Confused) Since what?
Nan: (Slightly indignant) Since last week!

(Physics class again. May 7th, a very political day. Miss Salter is wearing a blue top, and this has caused a slight reaction from the liberal class.)
Class: (Shouting and pointing acusing fingers at Salter) Boo! Torry! Traiter! Conservatives are the devil! (ect.)
(Several minutes after the uproar, Salter reflects.)
Salter: (Outraged) This is the last time I wear a political party's colour the day after an election!

(School is over for the day, and Ab has just met with Katie and Megan after maths. Katie demands a hug from Ab, since Ab's are so fabulous due to her buffness, but Ab, not really a huggy person, responds one armedly.)
Megan: (Observing the scene) Call that the best hug ever Katie? That looks rubbish!
Katie: That's cos Ab's not trying at all!
Ab: Yeah Megan, I am actually really good. (Winks, but somehow it just looks like there's something in her eye.)
Megan: (Smiling smugly) Prove it then.
Ab: (Sees that Megan is playing on her competative instinct, but can't help rising to the challenge) Observe Megan! (Grabs Katie and properly hugs her while smirking her superiority at Megan over Katie's shoulder.)
Megan: Are you happy now Katie? I got you another hug!
Katie: (Dreamily and smiling) I could hug Ab forever...

Snipets of My Day

(Physics class and bored of revising. Alex has just aserted her and Tysoe's relationship whilst arguing with Harry. Tysoe overhears this. Well, he is sitting next to us.)
Tysoe: (To Alex) What? So I'm all nice to you, then you go and call me your arch-nemesis?

(Still in physics class. Harry has just read something in a science class that is obviously wrong, but that he believes to be right nethertheless.)
Ab: (Ever sarcastic) Not everything you read in that book is right Harry. It's not the Bible.
(Alex cracks up, and she and Ab high-five.)

(Lunchtime. Ab, Katie and Louise are pondering if there are any words that can't be related to anything sexual.)
Louise: Windows?
(Brief pause)
Ab: Nah, people do it pressed up against them.
Louise: Yeah, I just pictured that!
Katie: Same!
(A pause)
Louise: A chair?
Katie: No!
Louise: A table then?
Ab: Definately not, cos you can do it on one.
Louise and Katie: (Sigh) Yeah.
(A pause)
Ab: (Smiling) How bout Quavers?

(Philosophy class, last period. Ab and Cathy have just finished reading aloud from the textbook and are now making notes.)
Cathy: (Turns to Ab smiling) Well read. (Does small hand clapping thing)
Ab: (Smiles at hand clapping thing) Thanks. And well read yourself. You only tripped up on one word this time - must be a new record! (Cathy then proceeds to quietly laugh and then blushes, as per norm)